Olympics Live Online

Olympics Live Score Table Tennis Singapore vs Korea

2008-08-15T16:09:00.002+08:00

Check out the Olympics live score table tennis, women's semi-final, Singapore versus Korea here

http://results.beijing2008.cn/WRM/ENG/RTDS/TT/TTW400202.shtml#TTW400202

The UnUsUal gift

2008-07-23T14:16:00.003+08:00

Here is a site for the most abnormal, bizarre, crazy, creepy, eccentric, eerie, eery, ghostly, grotesque, nutty, odd, queer, scary, spooky, strange, supernatural, talismanic, unearthly, unusual stuff you can buy on the internet.

http://plenty-of-gift-ideas.com

Fireworks NDP 2008. National Education Show 2008

2008-07-13T01:59:00.011+08:00

You won't believe I waited 5 years for these shots ... I missed all the previous years of fireworks displays. Either I couldn't find a parking lot or I didn't have a camera.

(Photos taken from room in Fairmont Hotel.)

The Half Time Vacation 2008

2008-07-01T08:54:00.043+08:00

Taking the A380 for the first time was exciting, but then later I found out it's the same when you get in ... except there's a lot more wide eyed green horn people like yourself ...

After 7 hours to Tokyo, we went from a 2000 seater plane to a 20 seater plane to Sapporo ... which is a lot more fun than the A380 .. one cute japanese air-stewardess who takes care of everything, including the shutting of the plane main exit door and all the announcements, serving of drinks and blankets and newspaper ... For a while I thought she was going to fly the plane when she went over to the cockpit.

My first meal at the airport ... couldn't resist the noodles.

Arrival at Sapporo. Less hurried than Tokyo, a lot colder in Summer, but nice.

Sapporo Beer Museum. This is where you get the best of best beers in the world, other than Tiger of course ... Majulah Singapura.

My favourite part of the trip here was to down a pint of Sapporo extra dry with barbequed mutton and beef. Absolutely heavenly!!! 5000 Yen per person for all you can eat and drink. The waitress would give you huge plastic bags to wrap up your bags and sweaters so they wouldn't be smoked and stink after the meal.

The Chocolate factory.

Saw this girl with her granny at the Choc factory. Was impressed by her 5 inches tall boots, and I think her granny walked faster than her. Three hours later she was standing right next to me in the train ... strange coincidence ... or bad karma for me?

First time doing laundry at a hotel. So excited that we washed all our clothes twice.

Special seats in the train for people with 'internal organ disability'. Does erectile dysfunction count?

The joy of eating a Tako salad and pickles at a park bench with pigeons salivating by the side ...

The Hokkaido Historical Village. Huge open air museum with houses dating from 300 years ago to present.

Woodcutters' squatter.

Japanese kids are so cute. Met these guys at a rice storehouse. I had a hard time explaining to them where Singapore is and what I think of the American Elections ...

A model of a old fishing village ..

A model of the farm house

Hotel Prince Furano. Gorgeous hotel up in the mountain. Picture taken from the room at about 4 a.m. Sun rise is about 3 a.m. I jumped out of bed thinking it was morning already. This is one of the rare places in the world where you can eat breakfast three hours after dinner.

Ropeway next to the hotel. They are usually more crowded during winter, for skiing.

Nice view from the mountain top. We were the only two human beings up there. We only found out much later from a Japanese friend why we were the only two there ... bears!!!

Quite and peaceful streets .... very little traffic and people in the afternoon ... wonder where these Japanese people hibernate.

Farm Tomita. Not full bloom yet ... only in July/August ... but not my problem.

The Lavender and melon ice cream !!!! You cannot eat it standing, your legs will wobble with the first taste!!! I had two ...

Taking train to Hell Valley.

Really really small train station.

Stability of the Japanese train is as good as Lexus engine. The two bottles hardly knock one another.

Hell Valley. Why hell? I guess people who have been there told them it looks something like this ... but its not that hot, lots of smoke and sulphur.

Happiness is sitting at the bench and watching the sunset at Lake Toya ...

Happiness is cycling with my wife in Nakafurano without a map ...

and have absolutely no idea where we were going ...

but you get to see Japanese odourless farms ...

It's not that tough cycling and navigating through these farms ... especially when you have training cycling up and down the East Coast Park.

I am the only Jackie Chan Stuntman with a belly ... good long-tee to keep me warm

Tuition centre in Japan !!! For the farmers' sons i suppose ....

This tree is famous ... used in cigarettes adverts (Mild Seven) ... but I still cannot see the connection, cigarette and tree ... bikini gals and cigarettes I can relate ... but not trees

Otaru ... used to be a fishing village and port. Old warehouses lined up this canal. But they are restaurants now, very similar to Boat Quay Singapore.

The Sushiya street in Otaru. Sushi bars, music box shops, glassware shops

and the ultimate ... Le Tao chocolate shop

Back in Tokyo ... vending machines more than cars in Singapore.

Marine Parade in Tokyo. I think a prankster from VJC did it ...

Shimbashi Station. The Japanese signs and train guides are really easy to read, especially for the tourists from Japan.

Asakusa

Met this Spanish guy at the station who was lost and couldn't understand a thing of the Jap railway system ... then brought him and his wife all the way to Asakusa ... his first day in Tokyo and he lost his luggage on the way here ... later found out we were staying in the same hotel. Nice chap.

Ginza district. For the well heeled and nothing to do but spend people.

The prettiest building I have ever seen .. pic taken in natural lighting.

The Mcdonalds in Tokyo is like a time-out space for the Japanese. Nobody is talking and you cannot find a table for two people to sit opposite one another. You either read, sleep, or work with your laptop. Feels like a study room.

The super brands of the world's fashion industry.

Armani Tokyo

Chanel Tokyo

Coach Tokyo

LV Tokyo

Meiji Shrine .. boring

The two main reasons why I adore Japan ...

The Debate

2008-06-06T18:14:00.003+08:00

Not sure if anyone has read this, but I just came across this interesting read a while ago ... as usual, I will give my own version later.

Actual debate between an atheist professor and his Christian student in a University lecture in the States

'Let me explain the problem science has with Jesus Christ.' The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'

'Yes sir,' the student says.

'You believe in God?'

'Absolutely.'

'Is God good?'

'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'

'Yes.'

'Are you good or evil?'

'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!' He considers for a moment.

'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes ! sir, I would.'

'So you're good...!'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent.

'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. 'Let's start again, young fella Is God good?'

'Er...yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'

''Then where does Satan come from?'

The student : 'From...God...'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'

'Yes.'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Without allowing the student to answer, the professor continues: 'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student: 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them? There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'

The student's voice is confident: 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him'

'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'

'No, sir, I have not.'

'Have you ever actually felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'

'Yet you still believe in him?'

'Yes.'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'

'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes,' the professor replies. 'There's heat.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'

'Yes, son, there's cold too.'

'No sir, there isn't..'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain. 'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor.. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have Nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed? Can you explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains. 'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God.

You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and

magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.'

'Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the Commotion has subsided. 'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.'

The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelled the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust! your lectures, sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I guess you'll have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man.. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God.. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God.

God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'

Yahoo new product line

2008-05-30T11:00:00.003+08:00

Available at Mustafa departmental store. Opening hours - 12.01 morning to 12 midnight. Seven days a week.

Vegetarian cow's tongue soup

2008-05-23T23:11:00.005+08:00

Earlier I posted a photo of the Ben and Jerry's ice cream and within 2 hours, a friend called me and asked if I heard of vegetarian cow's tongue soup ...

I have not and I wouldn't try, even with the real thing. It's like Frenching the bull ... why would I do that??!!

Vegetarian Turtle Soup

2008-05-23T15:13:00.004+08:00

Just in case you need a boost but can't have the real thing ...

I need 100 volunteers

2008-05-06T12:45:00.001+08:00

I am thinking of doing a new show ... but I need about 100 - 200 fun loving people to do this :

Achmed the dead terrorist

2008-04-21T21:42:00.001+08:00

The Melon

2008-04-11T18:09:00.002+08:00

If you see a water melon that is slightly bigger than an apple, it's the scientists that are playing with the melon genes. Just when you expected them to re-engineer the melon to the size of a Mini Cooper, they have shrinked it to the size of an egg!

They have succeeded in going seedless and in different stripes and colors, so growing it smaller would seem the next logical step. I can only speculate the reason for shrinking it would be to fit the supermarket plastic bag.

The Q & A

2008-01-31T18:36:00.000+08:00

Why do they have the Question and Answers section in beauty contests? I keep telling my friends the Q&A is for testing hearing ability and they just won't believe. Yes, just to check if you are deaf, and NOT if you are dumb ... 'cos we already know the latter.

The Cake Shop Assistant

2008-01-29T10:36:00.000+08:00

There is a small but growing number of expatriates staying around the Woodlands HDB market area. So it is quite common to see a Ang Moh at the hawker centre struggling with his chopsticks and mee pok.I think to him the chopsticks feels more like two conductor's batons than cutlery.

So I was standing next to this Caucasian guy trying to buy a piece of cake from the local bakery. And the conversation between him and a very patient Chinese aunty was funny and endearing:

Ang Moh : What is this?

Aunty : This one pang lang (pandan) cake.

Ang Moh : And this?

Aunty : This one war nut (walnut) cake.

Ang Moh : And this?

Aunty : This one got chookerlate (chocolate) inside. Very nice one.

Ang Moh : You got Blueberry?

Aunty : No bluebelly, here got chelly (cherry), got leng mong (lemon), got or leng (orange).

Ang Moh : I want a Blueberry cake.

Aunty : No bluebelly. Hot log (hotdog) can?

Ang Moh : hmm .. I think I will just have two doughnuts.

Aunty : ok. you buy three two lollars (dollars).

Ang Moh : Also can.

This is real talent

2008-01-23T16:34:00.000+08:00

Something must be wrong if your hair doesn't stand after watching this 15 year old sing.

The Real Estate Agent

2007-12-13T18:04:00.000+08:00

Found this pack of tissue paper with the property agent's face on my car windscreen the other day. This agent is so generous that apparently every car has a pack stuck on their wipers. Gone are the days when salepeople would hand out just their name cards. I think since they are making so much money from the property market, why not put ten dollar notes instead, and I will definitely promise to call her if I should want to sell my house.

Nowadays houses don't sell by itself. No matter how good the house is, you still need a face. Go check the classified and you will see all kinds of faces that goes with the property sale. I wonder what would happen if this agent would just put her face without the property, would guys call her up and ask for anything she is selling? "Hello Rain, what are you selling, you have a pretty face, I will take it! Next to a rubbish dump with no doors? no problem!"

I think having a interesting name helps in the sale process too. That way your customers can remember you better .. or they just assume you are nuts. It seemed that people are running out of names for their name cards. I wonder if there is a Sun Goh or Moon Goh in the property business ... Or Water or Fog or July, or Forest, or Seven, or Spider, or Pencil, or Kitchen or Key, or Calendar or Hole Puncher or ...

The Pirate

2007-11-21T09:34:00.000+08:00

After nearly a month of Cartoon Network, I am now very sure that if you want be a pirate, the biggest qualification you need to have is a parrot. And you will score points on your resume if the parrot is able to converse with your colleagues and the other sailors.

The eye patch is another item you don't want to miss. It's like a badge on the army uniform, except that this one is usually black and it's over the eye, but both would indicate some sort of achievement and identity. And in the pirate's ranking system, one eye is better than two.

The only thing I dislike about the pirate's uniform is probably the hook. The hook is quite inconvenient because I sometimes have an itch problem around the groin area. I may accidentally scratch it with the wrong hand and in the wrong place ... that would be fatal ... for the manhood.

But then again if you have a wedgie ... then the hook would be handy.

The Art of Drawing (part 2)

2007-11-05T21:46:00.000+08:00

The Art of Drawing (part 1)

2007-11-05T21:43:00.000+08:00

The Opposite

2007-10-30T09:09:00.000+08:00

I have a very good friend who is able to speak so fast, that you need a video camera to capture and then play back in slow motion, ideally 1/16 of the speed, rewind and then freeze it to be able to process what she just said.

Well for the last three years I had this insatiable quest to look for the opposite ... and finally, challenging as it is, like looking for a 5 cents coin in the airport runway, I found it!

The mobile phone

2007-10-26T14:04:00.000+08:00

Just heard a very interesting story on the radio ...

One of the last wishes of this guy was to have his mobile phone buried with him. He is so used to having a phone with him all the time that he felt he should have one in his after life. So they fulfilled his wish and buried him with his phone in the coffin.

Guess what, a few weeks later, they found his SIM card on the floor! Apparently his grandson was playing with his phone during the funeral and accidentally took out the SIM card .. so they dig up the poor chap, open up the coffin and inserted the card back in his phone and make sure it 'works'.

Such great relatives ...

I hope they didn't forget the phone charger as well...

The Santa Claus

2007-09-27T17:50:00.000+08:00

This is weird, it's Sept and I am in a Christmas mood. Maybe it's Sweden that I keep thinking about.

But I was just thinking about good old Santa. What if this guy wore pants that is skin tight and made of polyester and he doesn't wear his underwear? Would little boys still want to jump up and sit on his lap?

It's going to be HO HO ... OHHHHHHHHH ... depends on how you look at it.

Beijing June 21 2007

2007-07-05T15:20:00.001+08:00

The Indian Thriller

2007-04-15T16:01:00.001+08:00

This has to be the funniest way to master your phonics.

This is the original Michael Jackson's Thriller

The Guitar Man

2007-04-12T13:28:00.001+08:00

Someday I would like to be able to wear my singlet and torn fake Armani jeans, and play my guitar like Eddie in the middle of Yishun Temple 7th Month Ghost Festival.

Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar

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The Foreskin

2007-03-22T17:25:00.000+08:00

One of the toughest thing to explain to my little nephew is why do some people circumcise ... I have to answer because he came back from school wanting to know why his friend did it.

My nephew cannot accept religion as an excuse and he didn't get it anyway, so I told him it's easier if the boy is without the foreskin.

"Easier for what?"

"Easier to aim ... "

Of course we ended up arguing and laughing why the foreskin is the most useless piece of skin ever to develop in the history of the male anatomy. The eyelids is for protecting the eye and shut off the lights at bed time, the lips is for kissing and wetting your stamps, but the foreskin ... doesn't serve any purpose isn't it?

And where does the foreskin go after that? It's the same old question I ask about decaf coffee .. where does the caffeine go? "You know, in China, they'll eat anything " ... But quite unlikely, 'cos I still see those ex-Eunuchs' testicles hanging around the temples ... Or maybe it's re-cycled into some skincare or anti aging products, like what they do with sheep's placenta.

For me, I don't really like the idea of trimming my little ...I think it won't feel comfortable when I am wearing my ballet leotards also .. And with the underwear, I get double protection, but without the foreskin, it's back to one. Plus it feels like it has been shortened artificially, and men would rather drink chlorine than to have it shortened.

The Soap Powder

2006-12-30T13:43:00.000+08:00

Life is really tough. I walked into the supermarket to get a pack of soap powder for the laundry and I have to stand there for what seemed like hours, trying to make a super classified executive decision ... hmm ... should I be getting the one that cleans brighter and whiter or should I get the one that smells better and gets rid of 99.9 percent of the bacteria??? But the one that cleans brighter and whiter has been loaded with 30% more powder... And the one that smells better sells for 10% cheaper (which is a humongous savings of 30 cents!) But it gets rid of only 99.9% of the bacteria .., And why do they leave that 0.01% behind? Is it so that they can mutate and make us come back for a second helping of the powder and get rid of another 99.9%? Clever marketing ...

Actually it would be easier if they could just come up with the kind of powder that not only washes for you but dries and then iron and fold nicely for you. Seriously I wouldn't mind an extra dollar for that.

Boxing Day

2006-12-21T22:25:00.000+08:00

This is embarrassing. I have heard of Boxing Day, which is the day after Christmas. But I never knew that Boxing Day has nothing to do with two men fighting in a ring.

I do know now that Boxing day has everything to do with boxes!!! And why would people fight the day after Christmas?

Dur ....

Christmas Gifts Ideas

2006-12-16T06:15:00.000+08:00

Jody did this shopping guide for Christmas.

http://www.christmas-gifts-for.com/

The Dominoes Pool

2006-10-31T08:55:00.000+08:00

dominoes pool

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The Beauty Contest

2006-10-27T09:45:00.000+08:00

Being genetically male, I am qualified to say I enjoy watching beauty contests. All kinds of hormones are raging inside your body when you are watching it on tv. But if you are watching it with your spouse, you have to pretend that it doesn't interest you at all, and you hide behind the newspaper with an occasional glimpse. Either that or you point out things that 'annoy' you, like "Her hair colour looks so bimbotic ..", but you are actually looking everywhere else other than her hair.

The most interesting part about these Miss World and Miss Universe and Miss Solar System contest etc is the Question and Answer session. The usual sequence of the competition is, they have the evening wear, which is good, shows you how elegant these people are behind clothes ... and then they have the swim suits wear, which is even better, but now they have all the men imagine how these pretty women would look when they are without clothes.

Then they bring out these semi naked women in high heels, with the nylon seat belt strapped over the shoulder, one by one to the microphone and asked them questions on world peace. Why do they do that, one may ask? Well you see, these beauty queens are supposed to be potential ambassadors, and when you are an ambassador, you talk to Presidents of countries, which are predominantly male. And when you are semi naked talking to men, you can get things done faster, understand?

But I do think the winner of every of these beauty contest has to be the organiser. To be able to convince so many beautiful women from so many countries to gather at one spot is one sweet party that all men could only dream of.

Article sponsored by Tattoo Designs

The Garlic Juice

2006-10-24T08:40:00.000+08:00

I am the current world record holder for the youngest Martell brandy drinker. When I was 12, I drank a MUG of brandy (on the rocks) when my parents were out. I had my eyes on that big green bottle of brandy in that cupboard since I was able to walk. When you are young and short, anything high up looks good. I guess thats why I enjoy climbing trees also. These days, most kid's 'wish list' consists of Ipods and Playstations. Mine was smoking and brandy. I guess I was pretty much inspired by the beer and cigarettes commercials ... the ones where you have the ladies in bikinis running on dreamy-like beaches. I wondered which genius came up with those ads to try and convince the general public that drinking and smoking gives you the same high as wearing bikinis ...

So finally the day came when I was alone in the house, I poured myself the prized brandy and got drunk for the next three days. Dumb right? The brandy must have burnt my brains so badly that many years later, I decided to try juicing garlic and drink it!

Same settings ... alone in the house, this time inspired by Dr. Andrew Weil's 8 Weeks To Optimum Health. "Garlic is good for you." Ya ... but he didn't say how much??!! It must have been a brave but stupid decision. 8 cloves of garlic juice(plus celery and green pepper) is enough to set off a nuclear bomb explosion in your stomach. The moment you gulp it down, you feel like dying! You want to dig your eyes out and pull off your intestines to skip with it. It tasted like petroleum with vingear. I almost collapse after drinking it, I had to crawl to the sofa and lay flat for half an hour before regaining consciousness. It's like Superman swallowing Kryptonite ... garlic immobilises all living cells in your body, including the malfunctioned brain that conceived the idea of drinking garlic juice.

Compared to brandy, garlic is 100 times more lethal, that's why you use it to ward off vampires. When you take that much garlic juice, cockroaches will take a vacation from your house 'cos your breath can be detected across the rubbish dump. Your car will stink so badly that the air purifier will have a heart attack. And for those of you who are brave enough to try, I still have a pack left, washed and cleaned nicely for overnight delivery.

The Singlish Ang Moh

2006-10-21T20:18:00.000+08:00

I think eventually I'd like to adopt and teach an ang moh kid to say: "uncle, Mee Pok dry, hiam chio tum pok .. "

4D forum

My two new friends in the office

2006-10-17T09:03:00.000+08:00

The Specialist

2006-10-13T20:40:00.000+08:00

I heard this is the guy who slept in a giant oven and survived.

Trash to Cash

2006-10-07T11:03:00.000+08:00

Aik Hau's latest trick.

2006-10-02T19:10:00.000+08:00

The Singapura Song

2006-09-29T19:47:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myqyKZsknmw

The Best Advertisement in the World

2006-09-26T12:28:00.000+08:00

I was skydiving recently in Thailand when I caught this on my camera :)

As I was decending, I saw something on a rooftop which looked like graffiti ..

So I zoomed in and saw this :

Guess where I went after landing ...

Sawadee krap ..

photo copyright : M.O

New Website

2006-09-07T00:01:00.000+08:00

Check out this new website created by our friend Aik Hau.

www.platimumbooks.com

An Insider Story: The Zidane's Headbutt

2006-07-11T14:13:00.000+08:00

Zidane Headbutt : " Boss, I have been thinking about my retirement ... what should I do ... ? "

Domenech : " I am not too sure myself ... you can play professional baseball like Michael Jordan .. "

Ribery : " Nah ... he flopped and had to return to basketball. Why not try wrestling? We already know how to fake injuries and fall without hurting ourselves ...

Zidane Headbutt : "Good idea. But I wish I had a scar like yours .. makes wrestling more real .. "

Zidane Headbutt " You know, I used to be a streetfighter before playing football and I can fight like Bruce Lee!!! "

Ribery : " Cool! We can be partners if you want. "

Zidane Headbutt : " Deal! "

Domenech : " You sure you want to be a professional wrestler? "

Zidane Headbutt : " No choice boss ... have not been saving much the last few years. I still have two school going kids to feed .. "

Domenech : " Me too ... I have spend all my money on hair dyes and my hair is still white .. "

Zidane Headbutt : " ya ... I can understand boss. That's why I shaved my head to cut cost. I hope wrestling is the right choice. I am sure Ribery will help me get a scar for a start. "

Zidane Headbutt " Thank you all for supporting my decision ... you guys are so sweet. "

Domenech " Well, good luck the both of you ..... muuuuuack!!! "

Trezeguet : " I wanna be a wrestler too .... "

Henry : " Hush hush ... you'll get your chance when you turn 34 ... "

Journalist : " Are you sure you want to turn pro wrestling? Look at your skinny head!?? "

Zidane Headbutt : " oh my god, it is kindda small ... not good ... especially if I want to do a head butt .. "

Meanwhile at the Elysee Palace ..

President Chirac : " I used to be this huge fat sumo wrestler before I became President .. "

Zidane Headbutt " Are you sure? Which slimming centre did you go to after that?"

President Chirac : " DON'T try and be funny with me, I can pin you down in front of the cameras if I want to ... "

Zidane Headbutt : " ya right .. Sumo my ass .. I was President before I became a footballer .. "

President Chirac : " hey! ..... hey! "

Referee : " What's wrong with you man? I heard you want to be a wrestler?? "

Zidane Headbutt : " er ... ya ... Who told you that? "

Referee : " The bookies. They say you may try one or two stunts tonight and see whether the fans like it or not .. " The odds are really good. $1200 to $1. I have placed some bets myself ... hehehe ... The bookies asked me to give you a cheque ... "

Zidane Headbutt : " What??!!! " Are you trying to bribe me? "

Referee: " Later I am going to give you a red packet with the cheque inside. I will pretend to give you a red card .... nobody can tell the difference from that far, ok? "

Zidane Headbutt : " Are you sure the cameras can't see? "

Referee : " No. I will distract everyone, including the linesmen."

Referee : "Just like that. See? Nobody knows there's a cheque inside."

Zidane Headbutt : " I cannot take the money, it's wrong .. "

Referee : " No..no..no, you have to take it, the bookies will splash paint outside my house and make my life difficult if you don't accept it .... go along with the acting you stupid ... just take it as good luck for your new career ... like a Chinese Hong Bao. "

Meanwhile at the Grand Stand ...

" Listen you old fool, as the Chairman of The Bookies Corp, I am taking 90%, you get it???!!! "

Blatter : " yo Annan, I heard you donating your winnings to the Children's Not Hungry Fund ... "
Annan : " Nooooooooo ... I need a new shaver and toner. "

" You can do it Zidane. Just focus!!! "

Zidane Headbutt : " Geez .... my biceps are as skinny as my head .. must psych myself up. This is my chance to change career. I can do it, yeah I can do it, I can do it! "

Zidane Headbutt : " AHHHHHHH, I wanna slam some ass!!!"

Barthez : " Zidane! Pull up your shorts this way! You need to look like you are wearing leotards for wrestling !!! WTH ... "

Cannavaro: " I heard you will be trying some wrestling tonight. Can do me a favour? That Materazzi has been a eye sore for many of us ... think you can fix him for us? "

Zidane Headbutt : " Sure. But let me do some warm up ... I need to dance around first .. "

" Everyone, night fever night fever .. "

" Yo Fabio ... Bangla dance ... Italian style! "

" one step forward and one step back .. "

"eh ziggy, check out this breakdance move .. "

Ribery : " Boss, lets do the cha cha one last time ... "

Meanwhile, at the Grand Stand ...

President Chirac : " You know, I was a Sumo wrestler before I became President .. "

Barthez to Buffon : "Mazzi will go down in 5 seconds. And cover your mouths when you call up the bookies, there are lipreaders up there. "

" Mazzi will go down in 5. Spread the word around. Cover your face ... there are lipreaders up there. Pretend we are talking about something else ... "

" psss ... I heard Zidane is coming for you. He is trying his wrestling gig tonight!"

Materazzi : " Oh yeah, YOU think I am scared!!??? I am waiting for you right here!!!"

" You plunge in for his waist and push him over in 2 seconds, then you elbow drop and head lock him for 3 counts and you are done, you understand?!!! Are you ready Ziggy??? "

Zidane Headbutt : " I am ready. "

Henry : " Remember to mention my name to the WWF after tonight bro. "

Materazzi : " COME and get me you son of a *!@*! "

Zidane Headbutt : "massage my head first .. "

Materazzi : " OH SHIIIIIT!!! HE IS REALLY COMING FOR ME!!! "

"Well done Ziggy .. "

" YEAH!!! Slam Mazzi!!! Slam Mazzi !!!

Materazzi : " oh **!@, ouch ouch .... bloody mother @**!!!
ouch ... oh oh .. *@#! that Ziggy ... "

" oh man ... will I be next? "

"oh man, I just went out with his wife last night ... "

" oh mighty crystal ball, who will be next? "

Zidane Headbutt : " Scarface, you take over. Remember, head for the chest. "

Riberty : " No problem bro! "

" please please, don pick on me ok .... oh God, don't ... please please .... "

Buffon : " Scarface ... easy ... easy .... you don't ok ... Scarface .... we have been friends since Primary school ok ... "

" You have to learn from Zidane!!! Your head is not as strong as his, that's why you cannot do the head butt like him!!! "

Henry : " yeah, should have listened to you ... not everyone can do head butts like Ziggy"

" I wonder if my head is good enough .. "

" I SWEAR to God I am going to KILL the mother @#!*@# after the match!!! "

" But I only used my head .... look how skinny my head is!!! Look !!! Look!!! "

" Barthez, the crowd seemed to like Zidane's head butt better than the World Cup, you think we ought to change careers too? "

Meanwhile at the Grand Stand ...

Bill : " This sexy mama reminds me of Monica ... "

President Chirac : " DON'T try and be funny with me, I can pin you down in front of the cameras if I want to ... "

Materazzi : " hey! Where is my cheque!!!??? I fell as I was told!!!

Referee : " Noooo .... I told you to roll once you are down but you didn't!!! "

Zidane Headbutt : " Make me drink so much water ... now must pee in front of so many people ... but this pole is so cooling and smooth, I think I will bring the goal post home to my bed .... who needs a wife when you have the smooth goal post ... ooooo ... ahhhhhh ...... "

Football Commentator : " WHAT is he doing??!! "

" wooooo ... baby ... this is good ... this is really good ... phew! this is the best way to exit from the World Cup .... in front of 1.5 billion viewers. "

The End

Oh ... Germany

2006-07-05T22:01:00.000+08:00

For those mourning for Germany for the loss in the semi-finals, I share your grieve. For too, I have lost .... to the Singapore Pools.

And for those who will miss the supposedly good looking coach, I hope this will make you feel better soon. For me, I have to wait four more years to recover my loss ...

The Yellow Card

2006-06-14T08:42:00.000+08:00

I have been watching lots of the World Cup lately. Other than tennis, sailing, volleyball, beach volleyball, car racing, bowling and beach babe volleyball, soccer has to be my favourite sport. I like watching 24 grown up men chasing after a leather ball and hearing two hundred thousand spectators cheering them on.

The one thing that differentiates soccer from the rest is the use of the yellow card. Everytime I see the referee flashing the yellow card at the player, it reminds me of a father lecturing a child ... which might be the case, because the referee is usually balding and older, and the player, young with a funky haircut. And one of the refereeing rules is, you have to show the card in his face. The player at fault can be faking injury and rolling over the ground, you will see the referee standing patiently waiting for the dude to complete his act .. and when the player is done with the faking, the referee will get him to stand up and then nar! "SEE THIS CARD!"

Getting the yellow card on the football field is like Superman getting cryptonite, it paralyses you for that moment. But it's only here that you will see genetically adult muscular men afraid of the colour yellow. Yellow in the Chinese vocabulary has sexual inferences, yellow in the Western culture usually means sunshine, but yellow in the soccer vocab means you enjoy breaking other people's legs and they are not going to allow you to run after the leather ball with the other men if you should continue the bone cracking exercise.

I think the principle behind the yellow card is quite useful in life. What if you are allowed to use the yellow card in a relationship? If your boyfriend continues to use foul language or hurries you when you are shopping, why not use the yellow card? " Sorry honey, I have to book you this time ... see the camera up there? There's evidence you were pushing me and wrestling me away from the clothing department. One more time and I will be flashing both the Yellow and Red Card ... and you will be out of this game!"

The Camcorder

2006-05-25T18:09:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking of a new video recorder for the last umpteen months. Choosing the perfect Camcorder for men is as difficult as women choosing the perfect shoe. You can never end up with the right one because one month later, some other manufacturer will surprise you with another feature, another colour, another design that will make your purchase obsolete! But unlike shoes, men cannot put their camcorder into a shoe box, stacked them up in the storeroom and pretend they don't exist after using it once.

I was quite firm on getting the Sony Camcorder, but one day before heading down to the store, Canon came out with the World’s highest still resolution for a single CCD camcorder . So I thought, ok, I think I like this one better 'cos it has the world highest whatever ... then a few days later, Hitachi launched the World's First Fastest Multi-Format Plus DVD Camcorder! So do I go for the world's highest whatever or world's fastest whatever ..?!! Then Panasonic added the confusion with the World's 1st and only DVD video camera with 3CCD & O.I.S. My beloved Sony finally threw me off with World's Smallest and Lightest HDV Camcorder.

I am glad the manufacturers know we don't really understand most of the technical terms. I think most people would not pick up the camera and think to themselves " this OIS thing is superb, you need this OIS, you should see this!" So they rather tempt us with smallest, biggest, fastest ... words which we will understand without looking up Google. So now I have to decide, do I go for the :

a. World's First and Fastest
b. World's Highest
c. World's First and Only
d. World's Smallest and Lightest

It's highly unlikely that you will find a camcorder with all the above, so you either be the fastest or smallest or nothing. But suppose you decide on one of the above, say ... the World's Highest whatever, then the same camera would and may be the World's Second Fastest or World's Second Smallest Camcorder ... and who wants to be second right? I think I will be extremely uncomfortable with a 'almost' winner product. I hate it if a friend tells me : "hey, you know, your camera almost made it to the fastest category, I feel sorry for you ... "

Until those maufacturers put in features that are obviously different from the other, its going to hard for me to decide which one to buy. Maybe if they have one that takes great picture and is also a M&M dispenser or a camcorder that blows dry your hair, I would be able to pick the right one!

The Cup

2006-05-15T11:17:00.000+08:00

World Cup, FA Cup, UEFA Cup, Malaysia Cup, European Cup, Thomas Cup, Singapore Airlines Cup, A Cup, B Cup , Sawadeecup ...

Cups have always facinated me, especially those that come in a pair ... like last week we had the FA cup and UEFA Cup in a week :) (Don't think I don't know what you are thinking)
I like watching the winning team caress it and every player kissing and licking up each other's saliva off the cup. It's just a piece of silver actually, so what's the big deal? It is going to end up in the cupboard anyway ... see, the Cup goes into the c-u-p-board ...

I have checked Google on how the Cup thing started, I mean why the cup and not other utensils as the ultimate prize? Why not World Fork instead? You know the fork is as important as the cup right? They tried to use the plates, I think in tennis, but then they realised people were using them as mirrors, so they stop using that already.

Well, apparently the Cup thing started when Roman Emperors would reward a gladiator's win with his own drinking cup, which of course is made of 24k gold. The handles and lids were only added much later when they started making bigger cups and they realised bigger cups would collect more dust easily ... Had the emperor decided on the spoon or fork, then most trophies today would have shaped like the farmers' shovel.

What if the World Cup was replaced by a stack of cash instead, yes, currency. Like an awesome lot of dollar notes on the table, and the winning team would just grab the money and run round the stadium with hands waving chunks of notes and piles of it strapped around their waists. Afterall isn't that what they have been working for? Nobody would want to wake up everyday to train at 4am, run 500 rounds the stadium and kick 10000 balls for a piece of silver, they want cash! So I say give them cash, not cups!

World Cash definitely sounds better than World Cup.

The Lift

2006-05-10T14:19:00.000+08:00

I don't think there's anywhere in the world where the elevator has received so much attention and respect, other than the government and people of Singapore. For the past 40 years ever since the first lift was installed in a HDB block, they have been abused, mistreated and taken for granted. People either pee on it or spit on it. They jump up and down in it, pushing the suspension wires to its limit. And when there is a blackout, you blame it on them for making kids trapped in the lift cry. Like opening an unripe durian, people sometimes pry open the lift doors just to have a peep at the shaft. What's there to see anyway??? You expect to see gold or some sort of secret tunnel to Disneyland???

But now the lift is given a different status. You may be the fastest lift in the world, but you will not be as important and valued here. For the people, we just want the lift to work a little harder and stop at every floor, so that we can rush to the toilet a little faster. For the politician, it can become your campaigning tool and you can leave out issues on job creation and terrorist attacks. So what if the bird flu comes around and we are out of vaccines? The lift is our number one priority, and no man should be made to climb another flight of unecessary stairs forever!!!

What if you are a politician 3000 years ago and you don't have the lift to entice the voters?
"ok ok, if you vote for me, I will have 20 men carry you up and down the pyramid and I will give you 400 cows each if we export more mummies this year .. "

The Police Tent

2006-05-04T00:06:00.000+08:00

The police tent is an indication that the police don't really understand the meaning of death. If the person is not breathing, there is no need to put him in a camping tent. He is not having a beach barbeque later, and he won't be too concerned about getting a sun tan, so why put him under shade? I still like the tradional white cloth, it's cheaper and more functional. At least we know there is something gross underneath. With a tent, you are just going to invite peeping toms. (Don't believe, try camping at the East Coast Park, you are going to have torches shining in every half hour ..)

Since we are on the subject of police, why is it that they have to keep repeating that "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to a lawyer, and to have a lawyer present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense. " ???

What kind of legal advice is that???

The policeman not only has to chase after the guy in their high heel boots and starched uniforms, trip over rubbish bins, run across traffic laden roads .. and when he finally catches up to the point of arrresting him, he has to provide legal counselling at that very moment. It's tiring enough just to type it out, but the police have to recite it cos it's stated in their employment terms and salary package. But do they have to tell that to everyone they arrest? What if the criminal says "Hi, but your breath stinks", would that be used against him in court ? Or what if he is deaf and dumb and he has been silent all his life?

To me, if you want to say something, say something sensible and say things which the common people can understand. " Hands up, you are under arrest. I have a gun so don't move or I will shoot your ass. You are going to be in court anyway so save your breath for the judge. You will be nailed by the public procecutor, so really, don't bother saying anything. If you cannot afford a lawyer, save some money to buy some sponge board instead cos we are giving you the cane every 2 weeks. "

Wouldnt this be better advice?

It's Blogging Time ..

2006-05-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

It's been a long break. I don't like to use the word 'hiatus' because it kindda reminds me of a female body part ... The truth is I have been lazy and too focused on doing nothing. And I have been thinking quite straight and proper, so not much crap to write. You'll never know how challenging it is to think crappy until you stepped on your neighbour's dog's pooh ...

I guess the best inspiration or a kick in the butt for some action is when someone tells you she is a fan of your blog. So to my only fan, Mabel, thanks for reading.

Coming back soon ..

2006-03-14T12:28:00.000+08:00

I injured my wrist recently ....from collecting too much $$$

But I will be back ...

The Annual Bicycle Ride

2006-01-20T11:43:00.000+08:00

One of the benefits of running your own business is you get to cycle with three gals on a Thursday morning at East Coast Park. Crys, Song Yu and Jia Hui ... I hope to do this every year for another 30 years, it was fun!

Taking a break at 7-11. All for one, and one can of drink for all.

My new chauffeur, Dr. Teo (driving to the airport for lunch)

Of course it's me at the backseat with Crystal

VTC

2006-01-19T15:38:00.000+08:00

ok Porky, as requested ... here's the picture of Vien Tam Ching

The Remains Of Your Husband

2006-01-12T09:07:00.000+08:00

Setting : Hongkong tv drama (Qin Dynasty)

Scene : Lady in long willowy dress looking at the moon, longing for her husband's return from the battlefield. Mutters to the birds some Chinese poetry (I wonder why the birds are still flying around at night ... can't be bats).

A soldier walked in.

" We have some bad news. Your husband is dead. An arrow got him. But he died a hero. We are proud of him. This is the remains of your husband.

Then the soldier gave her this ....

The widow held the helmet, stroke it a few times then went " xiang gong (hubby), xiang gong ...... "

The Plastic Surgery

2006-01-04T15:35:00.000+08:00

Plastic surgery is like a shopping centre undergoing retrofitting, all the digging, sawing and drilling are happening outside but there is a sign that says it's business as usual on the inside. If you have been away for some time, you wouldn't recognise the new building when it is done. The same with people, you have to convince your kindergarden friends it's the same you after the operation, and your European looking face and coloured eyeballs is due to the constant bleaching while swimming in the chlorine infected pool without goggles.

The most difficult part after the plastic surgery is having people show you the school year books and having the proof that you modified your looks. You then have to make countless explaination why you look a little different when you were younger. "oh you see, my grandmother was Greek and there were some cross breeding with my Tibetan grandfather who is from my mother's side and I was a full time Chinese until 16 years old .... "

(A friend send me a picture after reading my draft, she says it is quite relevant to the swimming pool eyeball chlorine thing. Don't really understand what she meant ... but here's the photo anyway)

The bust is a popular department for plastic surgery. Most would do it to cure out of shape breasts. I get this feeling that most do it not for themselves, but for the general public, in particular .... men. It's men's obsession with cleavages that drove these normal women to go under the knife. I have to tell you women not to waste your time, men are all always searching and curious about the unknown and the half hidden. If hairy legs are always covered instead of the breasts since the beginning of fashion, I think most men would find gorillas sexy and today's wrestling would be considered porn.

Plastic surgery is for people who don't mind looking like dolls after that. That's why it's called 'plastic'surgery, and not meat surgery or parts removal service. I always thought plastic surgery is appropriate for those whose appearance has been defective by birth or accident. But for most patients now, its either they have been extremely miserable about the way they look, or they have been using the wrong brand of cosmetics and not very good at drawing on their own face.

For me, the closest thing to plastic surgery is shaving. There's also knife and blood involved here and I am getting rid of the unwanted parts. Occasionally there's hair in the nostrils, but it's a different set of operation and procedure altogether. I sometimes do think about keeping the shavings and the extra hair ... you will never know when hair in the sink can be used to grow hair at the top of the head.

But I think I might need plastic surgery for my feet, they are too broad and won't fit into my leather shoes. You know how frustrating it is when the salesgirl tells you " oh the shoes will expand after a while, so you don't have to worry about the pain." Some will tell you it'll feel better after it is 'seasoned'. Excuse me, I don't need any more sauces on my shoes ok ..

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

2005-12-31T19:26:00.000+08:00

Wishing all a fun filled , happy 2006, good health and good friends ahead.

Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind ......

The Lyrics Which I Don't Understand

2005-12-29T08:13:00.000+08:00

1. Rock a bye baby (aka Hush A bye baby)

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

This nursery rhyme should be re-examined by the Hall of Baby Songwriters. The title of the song is already murderous. You rock the baby and then it's bye bye after that! If I am the baby, I will be turning white and shitting in my diapers the moment someone sings this to me. And who in the right mind would put the baby on a treetop??!!!

2. Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and days of auld lang syne.
And days of auld lang syne, my dear,
And days of auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days of auld lang syne.

We all sing this song on New Year's eve. I sang this at the end of every school campfire. If you look at the lyrics carefully, it is actually a "I Hate You" song. I think Auld Lang Syne is Scottish and I don't know what it means, but the first two lines translates to, " I regretted meeting you, and I will try and forget you as soon as poosible. Please get out of my sight, and I hope we will never cross path again, dear. "

NarHia ... The Shopping, The Packing and The Wardrobe

2005-12-20T09:18:00.000+08:00

Frankly, I love shopping. I like being able to exchange pieces of paper with faces of dead people for new shirts and pants. But we know that men and women shop differently. Men know exactly what they want and where to get it. They zoom in to the store and in less than 5 minutes, they are out with the shopping bags and checking the phone for the latest soccer results.

But women, they have to look at every item, check the colours, look at the seams, examine the zipper, feel the buttons, place in under the light, shake it, knock it, crease it, smell it. Then they always have to hold that dress and stand behind it and then check out the mirror image. "Oh, that's how I look if I go to the office with the hanger round my neck ...... " . If the mirror counterpart looks good, they will then go into the fitting room and try out the actual piece. And when the final stage of testing is completed, they MAY consider buying it !!? Why, because they run through another set of QC and ISO 9000 questions before buying!!! Does it match my bag, what accessories goes with it, does it match my top, can I wear it to my boyfriend's party, does it match my husband's shoes, does my neighbour have the same dress, will it be cheaper if I buy it later etc .

Men don't go through all this. Men will not examine a washing machine, open up the cover, check out the mirror and see how he looks when he throws in the laundry and soap. The women's shopping experience is very different from the men, and therefore extremely hard to understand, it's like asking why men would look at any woman in bikini ... there's no one answer to that.

But the shopping enthusiasm drops to a zero when I reach home. I hate the cutting of labels and price tags and removing of the countless needles that hold the shirt in the plastic wrapper. Then you have to wash it first, in case those people at the shirt factory wore it to a party first before selling it to you. For me, I have to figure out where to hang up the new piece of clothing. If you have a wardrobe like mine, you will have a headache after every shopping session. It looks like a museum of clothing because I have shirts dating back to at least 20 years ago. Not that I am still wearing them, but I can't bear to throw them away because I have a great respect for cotton. So I have to squeeze the the clothes together, very much like the commuters in the train during peak morning hours, you open the doors and everythings falls out.

So here are some pictures of my wardrobe. Hope nobody pukes.

The Chinese Swordsman

2005-12-16T10:51:00.000+08:00

If I ever have a career option, I may consider being a Chinese Swordsman. After watching "The One Arm Swordsman", I am convinced their fringe benefits and prospects outweigh what I have been getting for the last few years.

To me, being a swordsman is like living in a fantasy world. First of all, you don't have to work! All you do is just walk around and stroll around with that mighty sword. And you get to keep your hair long. Your life mission is to search for that secret manual (an excuse not to work), which unfortunately is usually in limited edition (most of the time only one copy and no reprints).

One of the incentives of being a Chinese Swordsman is you don't die so easily ... very much like cartoons. You can fight alone with an army of soldiers and end up with only a few cuts that don't require stitches. But even if you are unlucky and suffer a few thousand slashes all over your body, you will usually get well the next day. You can have an arrow pierced through your chest and almost reaching the other end, yet you could still walk for a few days with the arrow stuck in the body. You will then collapse in front of your lover, who will then conveniently pull it out without spilling a drop of blood. Most certainly, you will also not suffer any infection from the rusty arrow head, and what you need is just a wet silk towel over your forehead.

However, one of the major qualification as a Chinese swordsman is you have to be ambidextrous. At any one time, should you lose one of your arms, you have to be able to quickly hold up your sword and fight with the other. It is not easy considering most of these swords are made of iron and not stainless high oxygenated carbon steel. But the problematic part is, you have to search all over again for the other sword fighting secret manual for left handers and re-learn everything.

If you are a so-so swordman, you usually try and protect the women and children in the village, and fend off the amateur street thugs. Sometimes you do part-time gigs for hawkers selling home made medicine by the roadside ... just wield your sword from right to left , make a few stance and hop around, then tell the audience you took 7x7 = 49 days to master it. But the best part is most of the audience wont even know the sword fighting has nothing to do with the medicine you are promoting.

If you are a black belt swordsman, you can apply to work for the Emperor. Not only the palace is a cool place to hang out, you can get into politics and attend conferences with the ministers. Promotions prospects is plentiful, just save the Emperor from the assassins a few times and you can go from Assistant Personal Guard to Chief of Army in a very short time.

But the main reason why I would consider being a Chinese swordsman is that special coveted award from the Emperor ... the "No Need To Die" gold medal. If you have this medal with you, you are excused from dying for any wrong doings. Got caught for sleeping with the Emperor's concubines and sentenced to death? No problem .... even if the Queen Mother tries to overrule, just flash the medal and you walk away a free man.

The Names

2005-12-06T20:22:00.000+08:00

I was watching an interview on tv (taiwanese programme) when one of the interviewees introduced herself as "Ring". Then the other day I heard "Fish Leong" sing on MTV, and a few days later someone told me her colleague's name is " Balloon".

See how much effort people make to stand out from others? And these are real names, not nicknames like those Crap1989 on ICQ or emails. But there is a real problem here, either we have run out of names or people just run out of ideas what to call themselves. You cannot use numbers as your name because the World Prisons Association has full copyrights to that idea. And I remember not too long ago people were naming themselves after animals. The early Chinese would conveniently call their young Tan Ah Kow (dog) or Tan Ah Goo (cow) and their western counterpart would have names like Porky or Cattie or Bitch.

But if you have a name that is too common, its quite likely that one of your own friends would have the same name as you, then it's very hard to tell people apart. Like within my circle of friends, I have three Crystals on the list. And when two of these Crystals get together, I have to attach a "big" or "small" to the name, so it's either Big Crys or Small Crys, and after that everyone knows exactly who we are refering to . Who gets the big or small is purely luck and not according to bodily assets.

So with the population exploding and more of your friends recycling the same names, it is not surprising that people these days are using objects as names. I am sure when people started using crystal as their names, there were many who found it strange, especially when your neighbours were naming their own kids after animals. But gradually after a few decades, it became acceptable and pleasant to name your child after glass. And it is a matter of time when "Ring" appears in your list of contacts ..

A few centuries ago, some scientists speculate that our names would get longer and wierder. Wierder yes, but not much longer than before. My prediction would be people would start adding phrases to their names after the trend of animals and objects names subsides. The people in the wrestling industry have already started it and I think it will become trendy to have names like Stone Cold Lee or Rock Baddie Tan. And you will see names that are more catchy, like some slogans or motto. For example, if your surname is Goh, you might consider a name like Way To, so it becomes Way To Goh (you may add an exclaimation mark! at the end for more impact, like those Africans names ) or if your surname is Cheong, then you may consider Tonight Can Cheong ... cool or not?

The Pyjamas

2005-11-25T09:39:00.000+08:00

Overheard this lady in Isetan asking the salesgirl for pyjamas. It's been a long long time since I heard of people buying these uniforms for bed time. I have never worn one before and I cannot imagine myself wearing long sleeve shirts and pants to sleep. I have always maintain my half naked policy for all my sleeping years.

I don't know who came up with the idea of a dress code for sleeping in your own bed. Do you have a bed security guard that will turn you away if you are not dressed for the occasion? It's already very tough trying to match what you wear for work during the day, and I don't wish to stress myself before sleeping. Plus it's extra laundry the morning after ...

Some people say you ought to have that loose and light clothings when you sleep ... ya, I am sure that 100% fat free cotton fabric is going to enhance your sleep 1000 percent. But you already have that blanket and the bedsheet and the pillow case, isn't that enough cloth already? And I don't think people in the past do this either, I have not read anything about cavemen changing their leopard skin underwear to rabbit fur before going to bed.

I think the people who believe your soul would travel out of your body during sleep, will find the pyjamas useful. It's like you may actually need to travel, so better dress properly in case you need to hold a meeting later. That's why most pyjamas look like office attires. Long sleeves stripes shirt with collars, cuffs and a pocket for your Mont Blanc pen. Come to think of it, it may be true, otherwise its hard to explain why you need pockets when you sleep.

The Evolution of Dough

2005-11-18T09:42:00.000+08:00

I knew that ever since the alphabets appeared in the soup, we would one day hear the dough talking to one another. It's just a progression of wheat and time, that once you developed the basics of speech, then everything else start to evolve naturally, from chatter to story telling and to history lessons.

How did the dough become alphabets and then find its way into the soup? Finding the answer would be as difficult as asking how the dinosaurs got under the mud for millions of years. Nobody really knows who created the first A or B for humans, so its the same with the dough. But it's useful, because when you are in the can, there's no way you can talk to each other if you don't form up words, unless you want to play charades in the dark.

But like the homo sapiens who took years to walk upright, the dough took a long time to develop speech ability. Eventually, it was in Singapore that we saw that breakthrough ... and every bread got excited. Within a few months, in every crook and cranny, we had bread talking everywhere throughout the island. Quite naturally, the human beings got curious too. Everyone wanted to know how they did it, and we started queuing to bring a specimen home.

And so just like humans, with speech ability, the bread got smarter each day. Some migrated and form their little communities elsewhere. Like any other success, everyone has a story to tell.

If you are still very keen on the evolution of the dough, please visit the bread musuem ..

The End

The Petrol Cocktail

2005-11-07T10:36:00.000+08:00

I was at the Shell Petrol station earlier when I saw this man drove up his BMW to the pump next to mine. Normally you would just tell the guy to fill up with a particular grade of fuel. But no, not this BMW dude. He told the attendant he wants $30 of V-Power, $30 of Shell 98 and top up with Shell 92. Then he told the attendant in Mandarin what must be the most amusing request of the century ......

" uncle, must shake a bit as you pump ok? "

My cheeks were vibrating so furiously that I had to clamp my jaws and try not to laugh at his face. And my slightly warped mind would be thinking, was he refering to the car or the attendant?? Interestingly, the pump attendant knew what he was talking about and did exactly what was told. I could not resist the temptation to ask if this BMW guy is the only one who treats his car to this special petrol cocktail. Not many, the attendant said, but mostly people with big cars!

So thats the secret of the rich and famous. Expensive on the outside but cheap on the inside .... No wonder I can cannot afford a BMW, cos I have been feeding my car with that V-Power all the way!!! With all the traffic lights every fifty metres and jam on the roads, the best petrol would not make a difference to your driving pleasure. Clever!!! I should have asked the BMW driver for his number, then maybe I could have an insight to his lifestyle and see if he applies the same formula to his bungalow, his girlfriend and work.

I guess we really enjoy mixing things, we are a mixing group of people and it's really in our culture. We mix drinks, music, fruit juices, petrol, noodles, coffee with tea, algebra with abacus, French fries with Mayonnaise, Chinese woman with Indian man etc ....

The Singapore Banner

2005-11-04T08:01:00.000+08:00

Saw this cute banner on a coffee shop rooftop in Yishun. As I am blogging this, I am beginning to wonder if " Die Die Must Try " is the stall's name ... 'cos I recently found out that "Closing Down Sale" was actually a shop's name, and they have branches all over Singapore! No wonder they are always closing down ... it's almost like someone is always dying but can never make it to the last breath.

But Die Die Must Try is so Singaporean, and it's hard for any foreigner to try and make sense out of it. Die already how to try, correct or not? I bet you there is nowhere else in any English speaking country where you can find this slogan .... and I just love it!!!

The Guard Of Honour

2005-10-26T08:24:00.000+08:00

Seriously, what's the point? It's just men lining up for another group of men to walk past them, right? This is done all over the world everytime someone important drops by for a visit. And these display of men don't last very long. The President usually takes a stroll with another guy, checks out a few pairs of shining boots and hats, then goes back to his hotel for dinner. Looks more like window shopping to me ...

These poor soldiers probably spent a few months training, cursing and sweltering under the hot sun in those thick canvas tent material uniforms, just to practise standing in a straight line .. To me, thats cruelty. If you want to demonstrate your country's prowess, bring out your missiles, tanks and rockets, and keep those hunks for the army magazines instead. And that special one soldier who accompanies the President, he suffers the most ... he has to sneak behind him all the time and march in slow motion, like a remote control toy soldier. The President stops he stops and when he moves, he moves ... in slow motion again.

I think for a male President, they should be have the Miss Whatever Country contestants, both semi and finalists up for the parade instead of the male soldiers. That way, you will see the President taking a leisurely stroll, signing autographs and taking pictures with them instead of the express 2 minutes quick walk. If the President enjoys it, then it is worth everybody's time and effort. He will also have more questions to ask along the way. For the male guard of honour, the President usually have no questions for them, 'cos he has nothing in common and he won't have an interest in them anyway. And everyone can't wait for the parade to be over.

But what are these Presidents thinking anyway when they walk past those guards?

" oh man ... you people have interesting ways for using the fan! "

"Told you people I wanted to inspect the beauty pageant, not MEN !!!"

" Are you sure you are not my long lost son? "

The Singapore Signboard

2005-10-19T09:23:00.000+08:00

We were driving along Changi Road when my 8 year old nephew sitting at the back of the car started giggling ..

Nephew : " Uncle, do people eat houses? "

Me : " No, of course not, why do you ask? "

Nephew : " I just saw a shop that says someone eating a house there! "

Me : " Are you trying to be funny again? "

Nephew : " .......... "

The next day, out of curiosity I decided to drive down the same road to try and figure out what my banana milk boy was talking about.

And I think this was what he saw.

The Toilet Reader

2005-10-10T00:15:00.000+08:00

Yesterday after chatting with Porky, I realised I have a significant number of friends who enjoy browsing, reading, studying in the most sacred place of your home .... the toilet.

For your info, I don't do it, neither have I tried. My sitting room, study room, kitchen, walkway, storeroom and balcony are usually not fully booked, so I have plenty of seats available for reading without a stench lingering around me. For those who have done it, you must know what the experience is like and it's not something easily understood by the commoners. What is usually a 5 minutes business in the loo can end up as long as a full tutorial hour for the avid ones. And you should know the pleasures of reading in the toilet, or else you won't be indulging in this extraordinary habit. For me, I would need a oxygen mask and burn up a few bottles of Chanel No 1 to 10 to stay beyond what's necessary in there.

I guess there must be a certain sensation which the toilet reader achieves when he is half naked (or full), sitting on a toilet bowl (or squatting) and reading at the same time. Somehow this odd combination produces a joyful effect not easily accomplished when reading normally elsewhere. Or could it be the foul smelling crap that enhances the reading pleasure? If that is true, we should all keep the toilet doors open in the library instead of Starbucks.

I have over the years developed that special skill of identifying reading materials that have been expended by the toilet readers. Newspapers are the easiest because the print has a chemical reaction in the loo, then comes out different in texture and feel than when it is freshly delivered in the morning. I usually avoid any contact with these materials and would freak out if any one of them comes physically close to me. I am not afraid of germs but I am sure most of you would feel the same with those toilet reading materials. And it is hard to share these things after they have been through the toilet with the reader, I would imagine a special bonding would have developed after going through thick and thin in there.

If being productive in the toilet is crucial, then one should consider installing a tv and video player in there. Then you can watch National Geographic and see how the villagers in Africa dig out their own private bathroom while you enjoy the coolness of the ceramic bowl that you are sitting on. But compare to books and magazines, the tv and video can be a little more tedious to operate in the toilet ... you know, with all rewinding, fast forwarding and changing of discs. So that's why most people still prefer reading, because you can fast forward from chapter to chapter in the book without touching any buttons on the remote control.

Actually I would like to open this discussion to those who read in the toilet. You try and convince me why I should even try and bring a book in. All amateurs and professional toilet readers are welcomed. Let us into your whole wet world of toilet reading.

p.s. Someone just mentioned she have seen bookshelves in a toilet before .... well I guess they have run out of walls in the house.

The Kids' Talk II

2005-10-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

There are days when I feel dumb, especially when your brains got left behind at home and the kids are brought theirs to your office. Last Sunday, this 9 year old girl Amelia proved me wrong .... or right.

Amelia : " Mr Ong, what's the meaning of grating? "

M.O : " oh, grating is when you rub something against a rough surface to make thin slices or powder. Let me give you an example .... err ... err ... (this is where I got jammed in the head ...... then 15 seconds went by and I got nothing!!!) "

So Amelia just looked at me without blinking and I could see the words flashing " it's a simple question and you can't even answer it properly, what's the matter with you today? " across her head like the CNN scrolling newsbar.

Amelia : " I have seen my mother grating turnips to make spring rolls ."

M.O : " Yes! Yes! that's grating ... now what else can we grate ... err ... err .. "
(another 15 seconds went by)

Amelia : " I think I saw my mother grating cheese also. "

M.O : " Yes! Yes! you can also grate cheese .... now what else ...err.. err ... (think brain, think!!!)

Amelia : " Wasabe "

M.O. " wasabe??? "

Amelia : " you know, the thingy Japanese eat with Sushi "

M.O. " I know what wasabe is ok ... "

Amelia : " I think I better go home and ask my mother instead "

M.O. " ............... "

The Chinese Signboard

2005-09-23T15:36:00.000+08:00

The Hurricane

2005-09-20T18:45:00.000+08:00

I think the people working in the weather stations are mostly men and they really have a good sense of humour. Otherwise why would they name all the hurricanes after women? Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Ophelia and now, Hurricane Rita. There must be some kind of association and common traits between women and hurricanes, very much like men and sports.

I found this short description on hurricanes on the internet. Once I put in the words in brackets, only then I know why the weathermen are so right ...

Hurricanes (a.k.a Women)

Hurricanes (women) need warm (care), moisture (passion) and light winds (appreciation) around them. If the right conditions last long enough, a hurricane can achieve violent winds (climax), incredible waves, torrential rains and floods.

A tropical storm (PMS) becomes lethal when the pressure is not diffused. There are on average twelve Atlantic storms (twelve PMS) each year (month); over a three-year (month) period, approximately five storms strike the United States (men) from Texas to Maine (the whole world). The Atlantic hurricane season begins June 1 (when you forgot to kiss her goodbye) and ends November 30 (when you do the housework). The East Pacific hurricane season runs from May 15 (when you are out with the guys) through November 30 (until you are back at 2 a.m.), with peak activity occurring during July through September (when you sit in front of the tv the whole day).

When storms move into full scale, the heavy rain, strong winds and heavy waves can damage buildings (furniture), trees (newspapers) and cars (dinner). The heavy waves are called a storm surge (mood swings). Storm surge (mood swings) is very dangerous and a major reason why you MUST stay away from the ocean (them) at all costs.

Porky Goes Back To School

2005-09-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

Porky, Be A Man, Do The Right Thing!

(It's 10,30 p.m and we are still happily taking pictures before your 10.55 p.m flight! porky porky ...)

The Words Which I Don't Understand

2005-09-06T22:05:00.000+08:00

1. You take care

The first time I heard this, it felt a little strange. But we all say it because everyone else is saying it. Take what?

" You take care". ok, but take care of what?? Take care of your health? But you just saw me a little while ago and I appeared to be quite healthy right? Maybe you have ESP and you think I am going to get a heart attack in a while or I am going to trip and fall. Then you should be saying " Don't die " instead.

" eh, you don't die ah .. "

" ok, you too, you also don't die"

Then give each other a hug and part.

2. Talk to you

Another strange way of ending a conversation. Heard this one before? " Talk to you" ..... But we were just talking right??? I think this is a short cut for " I will talk to you later" The person just got so lazy that it becomes too tedious and time consuming to include the "I will " and "later". .. So why not eliminate another two words to save another few milli-seconds?

" ok, you"

"You"

Then hang up the phone.

3. No worries

The first time I heard this was from a dear friend of mine, Christie. She was ending the calls with my customers with " No worries" . I remember giving her a strange look that day. Then the second time was from a bank officer recently. The truth is you just answered my enquiries and I am not worried about anything, ok?

4. I tell you something ..

This is very Chinese I think ... I hear this very often in Taiwanese programmes. Why not just go straight to that something you wanted to tell? I think for those people who are in the habit of using this phrase, their lives is full of alert systems. They don't do things directly, they will inform you in advance. So if they are meeting people for the first time, they will tell you "I am going to shake your hand!" ...... then they offer their handshake.

5. God Bless You

I can never get this, people say that to me all the time after I sneeze. You mean I have to sneeze to get blessed??? Do I get double blessed if I kneel in front of God and catch a cold?

I think we should do away with God Bless You when you sneeze, because it would encourage more sneezing. Cos it's good to be blessed by God and anything that is good will reinforce that behaviour positively. So in order to help that person stop sneezing, we should have something more negative to break the pattern ..... like " Oi !!! "

Example :

HAA Chooooooo

" Oiiii !!!!!! " (negative reinforcement)

Didn't help, so one more ..... HAAAA chooo!!!

" Oi !!!! Wa lan eh !!!!! You are disgusting " (more negative reinforcement)

Confirm stop sneezing.

The Kid's Talk

2005-08-28T09:37:00.000+08:00

It's really fun talking to kids sometimes. 'Sometimes' ....

And yesterday was a good day at the centre for those hilarious moments.

Scene 1

I am about 1.84m tall. This Pri 3 kid walks up to me, he barely reach my waist level, looked up at me with those tiny little beady eyes and said:

" Mr Ong, why you always look down on me??? "

" ......... "

Scene 2

Jerron (Pri 4) spilled Coke on the carpet along the corridor. Elaine made him clean up with a rag and rinsed it. When he was back from the washroom, Elaine made him dry up the carpet with the same rag. Jerron then said :

" I only spilled once, why you make me clean TWICE !!??? "

Elaine : " .......... "

The Concert

2005-08-24T16:25:00.000+08:00

The Bee Gees ( Maurice Gibb, Robin Gibb and Barry Gibb)

Went to a concert yesterday at the Indoor Stadium. One of the Bee Gees, Robin Gibb was performing. The BeeGees was an all brothers band and was immensely popular in the 70s and 80s. With their hairy chests and super accurate harmonising falsetto, they made Saturday Night Fever and finger pointing the culture of the late 70s. I think I was twelve years old when I first heard about them. So going to this concert was more of a nostalgia rather than hear him sing .... it is difficult for a grown up man to hear another man sing.

But Robin was not the main singer of the band. So frankly, his solo concert here is not too exciting and his voice is not very appealing. Although all three wrote all their songs together, his elder brother Barry was the lead and together with his twin brother Maurice, they both harmonise for most of the songs. They are already in the fifties and Maurice died suddenly in 2003. So another reason why I went was in case this one dies also, then I will have missed one of the legends of pop history! I paid $260 for two tickets for wiffie and myself, side view seating and not front row ok ...

Most of the audience are people in the late forties and above. You can tell the difference between a teeny bopper concert and an accomplished singer's concert by the type of cars the people drive there. There will be mostly big continental cars in the car park if the artistes is in his or her fifties. But if the artistes is young and depend heavily on marketing type, then half the car park is empty or filled with Suzukies. I actually saw some with walking sticks and most of the male audience are bald. They also don't dance a lot throughout the whole show, even for a fast number like " Staying Alive" or " You should be Dancing" , either they are too old to dance or they are afraid of injuring their hips.

My whole concert was ruined by this guy sitting next to me. For the entire show, this bozo was singing out loud along every song! I can understand him being a big fan, but this is a concert, not a mass karoke session. I didn't pay $130 to hear the audience sing or I might as well bring my own CD! And he was not only singing out loud, he was singing off key and clapping off beat. How torturing can that be? I wanted to strangle him but I thought it will be breaking concert etiquette rules ... so I restrained myself. It was already straining on the neck to see the concert from the side, this clown made it worst. And for the first time in my concert going life, I was so glad that the show lasted only one and half hours.

The Traffic Police

2005-08-17T16:36:00.000+08:00

The most feared men on the road are not the road bullies, it's the men with the dark glasses, high leather boots, a tiny notebook with a pen and permanent PMS ... The Traffic Police. To be a good traffic policeman (TP), you have to be obsessed with chasing and enjoy hearing people plead from you. And these group of people probably enjoyed the ''police and thief'' game as kids and they forgot to get out of the game when they were growing up.

I think the ability not to smile is their biggest paper qualification. They look so serious all the time and that's all they do besides chasing people down the road. I have never seen a traffic police smile, except the ones on the advertisement posters, but then those are usually professional models. It's hard to find a grinning traffic policeman ... and it wouldn't look right anyway. It's a little frightening to see them smile and issue a summon at the same time ... he will look more like a psycho serial killer instead. The only time you are going to see a traffic policeman smiling is when you hire a striptease showing up in a police uniform. That would be the closest, and that may be the only time you can shove a ten dollar note into a policeman's underwear!

I call the traffic police the Principal of the road. In many ways they are quite similar to those in schools. You cannot speed in front of them, you cannot talk on your mobile or SMS when you see them. You can SMS in your pocket, but don't let their eagle eyes catch you or they will issue you a ticket. Like a magician, they have this unique talent of appearing out of nowhere, and every part of your vision is a blindspot for them. You are driving happily and suddenly they appear beside your side mirror and give you that look. At this point you either turn green or swallow the lump in your throat.

Actually the traffic police are as good as signboards that say Slow Down NOW!, except that in this case, its a 'live' signboard. In a way, they are a piece of safety device for the roads. 'Cos it seems to me that everytime we see the TP on the expressway, we would instantaneously and diligently step on the brakes and slow down. He doesn't even have to do anything, just park his motorbike on the road shoulder and stare blankly at the cars passing by him. And with his super dark sunglasses, nobody knows if he is actually taking a nap or watching the traffic. I am so conditioned by this slowing down when you see the TP thing that every now and then when I jog passed the police station, I too would slow down and walk instead of run. See how the TP changed the movements of our lives?

I was caught twice for speeding by the TP in my entire driving life. Of course on both occasions I was innocent, the car was the one at fault. When he signalled me to stop, I could feel the trembling of my legs and jaws. The first thing that comes to your head is, what am I going to say to him to get him to let me off? Should I greet him first or should I volunteer my driver's licence without question? Maybe if I look pathetic and like a loser, he will let me off because I hear that these people hate arrogance. But I must be polite, thats what the internet says ...

" Good morning Sir! how are you? Wa, today's uniform very shining ah, very smart hor? ... "

" driver's licence please. "

" Sir, pang chant leh .... "

" You were speeding at 120km/h, I have to give you the ticket. "

" But Sir, stomach ache la, then urgent I boh pian right? "

" It's dangerous to speed. "

" But Sir, I have to find the toilet la, I promise next time I don't speed la sir, please la sir ..... "

He doesn't say a word, takes out the book and jots down your particulars. You know you don't have a fighting chance and so you look at him with that moody eyes. Thats when you really look pathetic and all you could think of is all the vulgarities and evil in the world that you can rain on that guy! But he has the gun with him, so there's not much you can do. You unwillingly accept the loss and you mutter to yourself " I hope your wife gives birth to a three legged son and without an ass! "

The Maths Problem

2005-08-10T04:32:00.000+08:00

Being a kid here is not easy. Sometimes when I look at the brain cracking exam questions the students have to solve these days, it makes me want to thank my lucky stars for arriving on planet Earth so much earlier. If I have to sit through PSLE again, I would probably be on a artificial breathing machine by now. Take this Primary One Maths question for example, " Ali has $3 less than $67 and Tommy has $67 more than $3. How much do they have to give away each to have $38 left altogether? " The first thing that came to my mind was, what the hell are they testing, the ability of a 7 year old to solve the question or the child's ability to stay awake and sane after reading the question??! It's tough, man! In class of 40 students, with all the concentrated energy on this problem sum, it will be like a nuclear bomb about to explode. You will want to dig out your own eyeballs trying to solve a question like that in 3 minutes. That's why most classes these days have inhalers in their first aid box, and it's not for asthma attacks.

I can understand the logic behind such questions, but can a 7 year old understand the relevance? I am sure he is already frustrated at not having enough fingers and toes to solve that question, let alone see the applications of this skill. And who goes around asking questions in this format? You don't walk into a provision shop and ask " eskew me, can I have 3 Cokes more than 5? " The owner will probably look at you " eh harlo, le kong simi? "

They say our children are getting smarter these days, so all the questions have to be a tad difficult. Better looking spectacles and more pocket money maybe, but smarter? We didn't evolve that much for the last one hundred years you know. It's still the same number of brain hemispheres! Actually I got a feeling that all these nail biting and hair pulling examinations questions are all part of a conspiracy. Yes, I think the people at the Ministry of Education are the same people who make those Super Excellent High IQ Brain Booster milk powder! And they are testing their product through a 16 year cycle right from birth to see if their powder really enhanced the thinking skills of those infants consuming it. I cannot find any other reasonable explaination better than this.

I often hear students complaining the examinations questions don't really apply to real life. It's true, in real life you use a calculator to multiply and divide, but in not so real school life, you use tonnes of paper and brain cells to solve the same problem. The students cannot relate to the questions asked. Take this question for example,

" At the beginning of a mountain climbing expedition, the number of male climbers was five times the number of female climbers. After 81 male climbers left the expedition, the number of female climbers was twice the number of male climbers. What was the total number of climbers at first?"

Now how many students here can relate to mountain climbing? Not many. But if the question is phrased such that the student may have some experience relating to it or at least heard of it, I think they may just enjoy solving them more and won't be pulling their hair or digging their eyeballs so often. For example,

" At the beginnning of a clubbing session at Club Momo, the number of desperate males was five times the number of chio boos. After 81 desperate males got drunk and were puking by the roadside, the number of chio boos was twice the number of desperate males . What was the total number of clubbers at first? "

Technically the two questions are the same. But which one is more fun to solve? I think to help our students better in this stressful environment, all examination questions should be set this way.

Cool right?

The New School in the East

2005-08-03T18:30:00.000+08:00

There is a new Secondary school in the East side of Singapore and I heard they specialise in Biology. Above is part of the application form for tuition from one of the students. (I have blocked out certain 'vital' information)

The Shower

2005-07-31T08:37:00.000+08:00

Is your daily shower routine getting too boring for you? Or you have not showered for a month and still cannot push yourself to do it?

Try this new incantation by Alex To 杜德伟!

Its shower time baby ....

er one, two, one two three ARR!!!

外套脱掉脱掉外套脱掉

上衣脱掉脱掉上衣脱掉

下衣脱掉脱掉全部脱掉脱掉

通通脱掉脱掉脱!脱!脱!脱!

(Then just turn on the shower head full blast!!!)

The Blind Date

2005-07-28T18:25:00.000+08:00

The other day a student asked me the meaning of a blind date. I told him it's when the person you have dated shows up with a white walking stick.

Blind date? Is there a reason why we have to insult the visually handicapped when two unknown persons are trying to have a good time? Why not call it Deaf date or a Lame date? And what if two blind personnel are really trying to set up a romantic meeting with each other? What should we call it, a Total Darkness Date? Then when the two blind persons finally meet for the first time ... " You know, everybody is looking at us, calling us names and making fun of our handicap. I cannot stand it anymore, I need professional counselling and a listening ear. "

Blind dates are interesting, although I never had one. Most of the time the people dating tend to over prepare themselves. Either they sprayed the entire bottle of perfume or they gel up the hair so much you need liquid nitrogen to wash it off. And I think while waiting for the other party to show up, either one has to be praying really hard.

There's probably more than 10 kinds of emotions going through in that moment for the participants. Anxiety, excitement, ecstasy, fear, disappointment, stupidity, insanity, hallucination, illusion and paralysis. So it is a good idea to have a paramedic on standby in case one of them goes into a shock. If he turns out according to your expectations, then you'll have a great time. If he shows up looking like a pig .... then you just graciously turn off your mobile phone and pretend you are the contractor examining the ceiling and slowly make the exit. But if she shows up really a stunner, then you better wipe off your drool before waving at her.

Actually I think it will really be fun just to stand around and see how people try to identify one another. You think she is the one, but she is not looking at your direction. You could be smiling like an idiot to strangers whom you think could be the one. Then you realise you are talking to yourself in the head and at the same time trying to act cool. Is she the one? She cannot be that fat right, cos her voice sounded quite slim. Is that pimple face guy the one, OMG, it can't be, he said he looked like Brat Pitt with a six pack!!! Maybe he said he looked like Brat Pitt from the back and he carries a six pack Heineken around ..

It is difficult to describe yourself accurately when it comes to blind dating. Not that you want to be dishonest, but you don't really want to frighten the other person off before even meeting up. So you use words that are quite ambiguous .... "I am kind of studious looking", then the guy shows up like a nerd. "I am actually very plain looking and not very tall", then she shows up like one of the dwarfs and looks like the Prime Minister's wife ...

(I didn't say which Prime Minister arh .... )

The Public Toilet

2005-07-23T18:15:00.000+08:00

I think using the public toilet is like picking up a 5 cents coin on the road, you dont really want to do it, unless you absolutely need to. Actually I had an uncle whose death was kindda related to the public toilet. He had picked up smoking because of the toilet, cos he claimed public toilets stink so bad that he has to smoke to neutralise the stench. But he had to quit smoking because the governement has banned smoking in the loo. Then he started using the Axe brand medicated oil on his nose instead, for the same aroma therapy effect. One day he had forgotten his Axe oil and so he used one hand to pinch his nose tight and the other hand for support on the wall in the cubicle. But he later lost his balance while standing up and knocked himself on the wall. He later died of head injuries. Thats how the public toilet caused the death of my uncle.

I was using one this morning when I realised how high tech our public toilets have become. They are all fitted with sensors, no more arm bending lever for flushing. Even the lights on the ceiling are motion detectors. If there is no one using the toilet, the lights switched off automatically. See how smart they have become? I heard scientists are developing cisterns which are able to flush according to the weight of your output ... so if you really want to waste water, just drop a brick into the bowl and it will flush forever.

But sometimes these sensors don't work very well, especially at night and in the dark corner of the shopping centre. Ever step into one where all the cubicles are vacant, nobody is around except you, you are washing your hands and looking at the mirror when sudddenly the cistern just flushed by ityself! Scares the shit out of you man! And its not even near the Seventh Month Ghost Fest. You will feel the sudden gush of wind fly by you and makes you want to pee again.

I cannot stand it when you are in the cubicle, happily but quietly doing your business, when the malfunctioned sensor just triggers off and flushes .... Hello??!! Can't you see I am still here, I am not done yet you know ... Then you see the sensor flashing again as though he is blushing. And when you are done, the sensor fell asleep!!! Excuse me, I am done, can you just flush??!! No response. You wave your hands in front of him and beg him to flush, but he won't. Now you are thinking, someone's standing outside there waiting to use the toilet, if you don't get rid of that mess, there's no way you going to carry on with your life. So you try to trick the sensor. You shift to one side of the cubicle and pretend that you left and then return to the seat. This way the sensor would assume a new customer has arrived and start doing his work again.

But despite the high tech in the cubicle, there are some cavemen who still quite not know how to use the toilet seat. You walked into the public toilet, put down the toilet seat and then you realised there are two giant footprints on the seat cover! To me, thats better than a circus act. If you are able to balance on the rim of the toilet bowl, read the papers, and still aim properly at the small pool of water below, then you are better than the tight rope walkers. There is no reason why you should not sell tickets for your act.

The Birthday

2005-07-08T13:55:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Vanessa!

I cannot quite remember who invented birthdays and why we celebrate them .. but my guess it's around the time when calendars were first printed and there weren't so many public holidays then .. and we needed a reason for an extra day or two to slack ..

I think if we really want to celebrate, we should also include the day when we were conceived, you know, the day of the union of the sperm and the egg. That is D day when you actually came into existence, right? But it's hard to tell the exact day though, and in some cases, you may not even know who did it ... especially when alcohol was involved.

And what if you were born in the forest of some tribal family, where nobody actually ever heard of a calendar? So the only way of remembering your date of birth is by the shape of the moon and stars, and maybe some unique experience happening on that day ....... " Son, when you were born, the moon was half covered by the sun's shadow, the stars were aligned like a shape of a crab, your mother was screaming away and there were a few gorillas standing by the side watching." And that would be the poor chap's birthday ...

Buying gifts for someone's birthday is not easy. You are not sure what the person really like, the colour, the size, the style etc. Buying yourself a gift at any one time is so much easier, you will never run out of ideas what to buy for yourself. But buying for others is tough. That's why people resort to buying photo frames as presents to relief their agony. That's when you know the giver did not make any effort in buying the present and they cannot be bothered by your reaction. They think you are living with 50 other family members and you need that many photo frames to get by. And so the recycling of gifts starts, you are tired of getting the photo frames every year, then you start to give them away on other people's birthday! Then the gift becomes a re-present. Ever receive any one of these? You can tell its a recycled gift when the wrapping feels a bit old and the gifter says she has been planning what to buy for you a few months before .. "Its the thought that counts. " " ya right, go to hell, I am giving you a potato slicer next year for your birthday ... plus a photo frame. "

Nowadays people celebrate children's birthday as early as one or two year's old. I cannot quite remember those moments when I was one and I am sure most people don't. And when you reach 120 years old, your birthday would be quite the same as the first few years. You don't have the teeth to eat your cake, you need people to wipe the cream off your face, you cannot walk properly, you are wearing diapers and you cannot recognise the people taking pictures with you.

Thats when you know you have come full circle.

Teh Tarik Power

2005-06-14T10:45:00.000+08:00

ok, for the record, I am going to list down once and for all, all the different types of coffee and tea you can get from the kopi stalls from anywhere in Singapore. I have been getting questions from the kids here about the 70 cents a cup tea/coffee that I drink everyday. Most of them questioned the drinkability as compared to the gourmet ones from Starbucks and Coffee Bean. I can assure you that you can get as many tasty mix and blends from the coffee stalls at the hawker centre. You may not have the snob appeal drinking from the cheap styrofoam cups, but at least you won't go broke drinking them everyday.

Advertisement
Hilmi Coffee Stall
Marine Parade Central Hawker Centre, Unit number 1146
Manager/Senior Sugar Cane Juice Extractor : Mr. Ahman (a.k.a. Michael Bolton)
Marital status : Married with 3 kids, owns a semi-D in Malacca but has no electricity at the moment.
Years of Experience : 25
Recently Launched Drink : Milo Dinosaur Extra
Affiliation : Mention Victoria or Mr Ong and Mr. Ahman will waive the drinks cover charge

Drink list
(Regular size only. If you want 'upsize' or 'vendi' or 'grande', just order two regular cups la, bohdoh)
1. Kopi (coffee with milk)
2. Kopi O (coffee without milk)
3. Kopi See (coffee with evaporated milk)
4. Kopi Siew Tai ( coffee with more milk less sugar)
5. Kopi Gao ( 3 parts coffee, 1 part hot water)
6. Kopi Pok ( 1 part coffee, 3 parts hot water)
7. Kopi Tarik (coffee tossed from one cup to another, for cooling and aesthetic effects)
8. Kopi Gos-stan (coffee that is not tarikked)
9. Kopi Aliah (coffee with Ginger)
10. Kopi Tongkat Ali (coffee with a herbal root that is known for curing memory loss)
11. Kopi Peng (coffee with ice, but not blended)
12. Kopi Kosong (coffee without sugar)
13. Kopi Cham (coffee mixed with tea)
14. Kopi Cino (coffee with milk foam) new!

1. Teh (tea with milk)
2. Teh O (tea without milk)
3. Teh See (tea with evaporated milk)
4. Teh Siew Tai ( tea with more milk less sugar)
5. Teh Gao ( 3 parts tea, 1 part hot water)
6. Teh Pok ( 1 part tea, 3 parts hot water)
7. Teh Tarik (tea tossed from one cup to another, for cooling and aesthetic effects)
8. Teh Gos-stan (tea that is not tarikked)
9. Teh Aliah (tea with Ginger)
10. Teh Tongkat Ali (tea with a herbal root that is known for curing acne and constipation)
11. Teh Peng (Tea with ice, but not blended)
12. Teh Kosong (tea without sugar)
12. Teh Cino (tea with milk foam) new!

The Banker

2005-06-04T16:49:00.000+08:00

There is this game show going on the radio the other day and they were interviewing the participants. One of them was a former air hostess and then now she says she is a ' banker'. Interesting transformation .. From a air hostess (hopefully an intelligent one) serving tea and coffee and asking people to sit up straight .. to a owner of a bank .. hmm .. If I am right, a banker is someone who owns a bank, correct or not??? Wee Cho Yaw is a banker because he owns the United Overseas Bank and he has tonnes of real cash to lend out to the general public. But a former air stewardess? I doubt she can harness so much credit power even if she fly back and forth non-stop to the moon.

The problem I think, lies with the fact that people tend to use the term 'banker' rather loosely. You WORK in the bank, and you call yourself a banker just because you collect money and lend out money? The bad news is, very sadly, the money isn't yours. You are just agents, at best, for people like Mr Wee. Mr Wee does not have the time to do all the borrowing and lending himself, so he hires all these former air stewardesses to assist him, understand?

So the approriate description would be, if you are p-r-o-c-e-s-s-i-n-g the applications for loans and deposits, you are known as the 'banking officer'. And if you are distributing investment and deposit information pamplets outside the bank and interrupting my stroll inside the shopping centre, you are known as the bank's executive flyer distributor ok? If you want to be called a banker and don't have the means to do it, go buy yourself a Monopoly game set and deal with those paper money and dice.

The Pool Game

2005-04-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

Is it going to be the Commander of Storemen or the Money Collector? It's 50/50

The Cleaner

2005-03-24T13:57:00.000+08:00

Some people call them the janitors, some the maintenance executive, some the toilet buster ... for me they are known as the good old cleaners. In this office building, there are just two of them. A guy to clean the gents and a lady to clean the female toilet. Both in their twenties and very hardworking, toil everyday from dawn to dusk just to keep the toilets clean and serviceable. They make a stop every two hours, more efficient than those at McDonalds.

I found out recently both the cleaners are from Sarawak and actually married to each other. Sarawak is quite far from here but quite near if you are comparing it with Iraq. They have been away from home for almost a year now, leaving their two kids in the hands of others. They can hardly speak any English, so my conversation with them is like between a Chinese and a Russian, but the difference is you know they are not from the KGB. So with my little speck of conversational Malay ability, I actually managed to ask them when their off day is. " Off day? Have, in the year 2007, when we go home. " So their working hours is from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m., seven days a week, holidays included. All these for about a thousand (S$) a month each. I wonder how many Singaporeans will work for this type of renumeration with no off days. Here people are complaining about 5 day work week, even the PM thinks we should not work so much. I think the average person here would rather die broke and unemployed than to work with conditions like that ... unless of course you are a towkay like me, work only two days and take the other 5 days to recover, super slack.

Even with that little pay, both were able to remit home as much as $5000 Ringgit (close to Sing$ $2000) a month combined. I asked them how they did that??!!! What about accomodation, food, entertainment, phone bills, pet food etc?? Accomodation he said, is free. How come? He then brought me up to the roof top of this office building and in the midst of all the monster air-con condensers, showed me a corner where they both live. His wife was bathing at that time using a rubber hose. They sleep on a thin mattress, cook and eat there. There are only two electrical appliances there, a rice cooker and a small tv. He spends only $30 a month, no smoking, no alcohol, no 4D and basically nothing extravagant, only the real basics of survival. A bag of rice to last the whole month and a pack of vegetable (costing about 50 cents) everyday. Lunch and dinner is homecooked at the rooftop with a seaview. If he feels like having a coffee, his wife would make for him. Even a drink at the hawker centre is considered wasteful.

Sometimes I find inspiration from people like that. People with single purpose in mind and are so focused in their goal that hardship is just a little inconvenience along the way. They have little education, no skills and no prospects .. just a simple ambition to make their lives a little better for themselves and their love ones in the future. I have seen people who are a thousand times more qualified than them but are always complaining about their work condition, about their office not posh enough, about their pay not high enough, about their holidays not long enough and basically not happy with anything. These people are grumpy and naggy and can put you to sleep once they start complaining.

I find it refreshing to learn from others once in a while, especially from people who are on the other side of your life, people with discipline and people who would sacrifice the present for a better future. They are the ones who can bring you back to earth in case you get carried away too far in your fantasy.

To Jia Hui

2005-02-14T08:28:00.000+08:00

Until one is committed.
there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation
there is one elementary truth,
the ignorance of which kills countless ideas
and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself,
then Providence moves too.
All Sorts of things occur
to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
raising in one's favour all manner
of unforeseen incidents and meetings
and material assistance,
which no man could have dreamed
would have some his way.
I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:
Whatever you can do
or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

W.H. Murray
The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

Jia Hui, the world of medicine is waiting for you to explore and conquer. Tonight you will be taking your first step towards this magnificient endeavour. We will be rooting for you!

Good luck my friend.

The Digger

2005-01-20T17:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was at the hawker centre for my Executive set lunch, which is a bowl of Yong Tau Foo and a cup of kopi-o. There are fifty plus stalls in this hawker centre and I only patronise less than five of them for the last six years. But other than this hawker centre, I rarely eat anywhere else. I am so loyal to them that they wanted to include me in their Annual Dinner and Dance guest list, which is the Seven Month Ghost Festival celebration ..

Anyway I was waiting for the food when this lady asked to share the table. This woman looks like someone in her forties, is quite elegantly dressed and probably working in a office nearby. As we were waiting, a sudden whiff of pungent sambal chilli swept through the entire hawker centre. Like a sarin attack, most got choked by the spice power and either coughed or sneezed. The lady sharing the table was no exception. She sneezed so loudly that I thought the table was going to be blown away. The good news was that she had a tissue paper covering her nose. But the bad news was, she blew her nose onto the tissue paper, then later examine what she blew out! Yucks! I was very tempted to ask her what she was expecting to find on that tissue paper! And I realise there are many who enjoy looking at what they blow out from the nose. Next time see if you do that also. If you have that strange habit, you are probably one of those whackos who sits on the toilet bowl and stands up at intervals to look at what you have contributed.

But the lady continued to ruin my appetite by using her pinky to dig her nose. I was hoping she would get a heart attack so I could freeze her and display this specimen in the museum of bad manners. Sigh .... despite all the good things said about this country, good economic growth, good government, good living environment etc, we still have little pockets of un-cultured and uncouth people around. But what to do, it's a hawker centre what ...

The Wonder Woman

2005-01-13T17:02:00.000+08:00

My favourite tool in the house has to be the tv remote control. It is also my only piece of gym equipment where I do my finger aerobics. I don't do any other form of physical exercise other than switching channels while slouching on the sofa.

So the other day I was busy scanning the six or seven channels back and forth (which miraculously did not hypnotise me to sleep) when I chance upon the re-run of a classic series,Wonder Woman. This is one of the very few shows on tv that had an impact on my life as a kid, where I learn from very young that women do look good in bikinis and industrial rubber boots.

The thing about watching these super heros as a kid is that you tend to believe everything they do without questioning. Like she goes from an ordinary civilian walking down the street with absolutely nothing to do, and then two seconds later with a ballerina spin, she becomes the Wonder babe in skin tight underwear, pointed steel bras and a tiara on her head. In the past, I would really enjoy watching Wonder Woman net those villians, bend the rifle with one hand or shield bullets with her power hand-guard ... nowadays I just look out for the costume change.

Wonder Woman and friends belong to the same club for Super Heroes called the Hall of Justice. Members include Superman, Batman and Robin, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern and few others. Not sure why Spiderman was not invited to join this club then, I guess the rest probably thought it's quite freaky to have webs coming out of your hand, would scare the children you know .. The thing I notice about these Super Heroes, including the recent Incredibles, is that they like to wear their underwear on the outside. The leotard (their uniform) is expected to help in the aerodynamics, that I can understand, especially when flying faster than the plane. The cape is for aesthetic purposes only, like a peacock exhibiting its hairy ass.

But the underwear on the outside?? To me its another piece of inconvenience clothing. Other than blocking any unexpected bulge for the male superheroes, I don't see any need for it. And when it comes to peeing, it's going to be more challenging than stopping the speeding bullet. But then again, they are superheroes, they have everything super, super-power, super-brain, super-eyesight, super-hearing, super-coffee and super-bladder.. so it may not be much of a problem somehow.

2004-12-22T17:24:00.000+08:00

BBQ 2004

The BBQ (Verdict)

2004-12-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

Super Fun!

Photos coming up real soon ....

The BBQ

2004-12-10T20:25:00.000+08:00

Every year this time, the Sec 4s from the centre would hold a barbeque at the beach. For me, it's really a pleasure seeing all the students from the different schools get together, perhaps for this once in their lifetime to have fun, laugh and celebrate their friendship. The Acting Assistant Deputy Chief Cashier (which is me) usually pays for the event. Just a small token of appreciation to the students who constantly support my instalments for my condo and Lexus all this while ...

So this year we have a very bubbly and high spirited Vanessa Tan organising it. I think because of her influence and enthusiasm, this year's participants is almost three times the past. The more the merrier, right? Vanessa would probably drop dead trying to prepare all the food by herself. Fortunately there is always backup from the ever reliable Cindy and company plus the members of the Victoria Tutorial Parents Association (Ah Soh-ciation).

Vanessa spent 3 days compiling the list and calling the Sec 4s. I think she must have a shock at some of the responses she got. When she called and ask if that person was interested in the BBQ, she had some people asking " For what?? " And I think she got hung up too! The year before I had this parent asked me " So what's the catch?? ". Its a BBQ for God sake, not asking your son to sign a recording contract! No, actually I was planning to send your child to rebuild Iraq after the BBQ. Then I got another parent asking " Why so good?" So I have to explain my instalments thing to them again ...

But few days ago I got a call from one parent who was rather amusing for a change. First she said she was calling on behalf of the son (whom I assume has lost all means of communication after the O-levels, that the mother has to call on his behalf) and then she ask if we are providing a school bus to the BBQ! School bus???!!! The BBQ is at the East Coast, not Gold Coast! You walk blind-folded from Parkway and you can still end up at the beach, thats how near we are from the pit.

So for those are coming, I hope you have lots of fun and feast the whole night through. For those who have not répondez s'il vous plaît , well, too bad, bring your own pit and food ..... there's another one coming twelve months later.

The Banana Milk

2004-11-02T08:53:00.000+08:00

My 6 year old nephew is a little cheeky fella. He can also talk non-stop for 3 hours before and after dinner about his Power Rangers. I sense that this particular trait runs in the family, especially the corny and lame things we like to indulge in. And we like to con each other.

So yesterday suddenly out of the blue he asked me ..

" Uncle, what's banana milk? "

In my usual 'trick the kids make them blur' mode, I replied :

" Oh, you know when the cows eat bananas, they produce banana flavoured milk. "

"Then what happens when the cows eat apples? "

" Oh, then the cows will produce apple flavoured milk. "

" Then Uncle, if Tigers eat Bananas, will they also have banana milk?"

" No, Tigers where got milk?"

" If Tigers got no milk, then why are the cubs sucking their mother's body??"

" Er .... "

So my little nephew then give me this ' you think you are smarter than me just because you are taller' look, and continues ...

" Uncle, what happens if the cows eat strawberries?"

" Oh, like the bananas, they will produce strawberry flavoured milk."

" Then uncle, what happens when the cows eat grass?"

" Oh, like the bananas, they willl produce grass flavoured milk."

" UNCLE YOU ARE WRONG. THEY WILL PRODUCE FRESH MILK."

We both ended up laughing and rolling on the floor.

Twins

2004-10-26T14:30:00.000+08:00

This year we have a bumper crop of twins in the centre. Some parents have actually asked me why we have so many twins?? I am not too sure why they think I have the answer to every stupid question on earth.

Actually till now I cannot figure out the biological question about twins. Although I have the best Biology teacher in the centre, I keep getting confused by the egg and the sperm. Is it two sperms and one egg or two eggs and one sperm? There are few millions of sperms swimming up the valley and there are two winners, thats what I know.

Ask any twin's parents and they will tell you the most commonly asked questions would be "Who is older?" and " How to tell them apart?" . I think they wish they could tag onto one of them that says "I came out first". Must be sick and tired of the same questions from the time they have given birth to the baby combo. And they always tell you to tell them apart, there is this tiny little mole somewhere in the forehead or chin of the younger or older twin. I have to squint and move so close to examine the mole that I end up drooling on their faces.

But it must really annoying to have another person looking exactly like you. It's like having a mobile mirror with you all the time. Sometimes I look at the mirror and I get scared by my own image. Imagine walking into a room and see yourself lying in bed reading a book. It's kindda freaky isn't it? And I know this particular pair of twins who enjoy dressing alike, maybe it's the mother's idea or clothes are always sold at a discount if you buy a pair of each everytime. The good thing about being twins is that you can always be assured of a job with the magicians. The bad thing is you can get beaten up for something which the other sperm did.

So if you have nothing to do, look at the photos and try and figure out who came out first. Get the right combination and guess correctly, I will appoint you as my official 4D plus Toto number picker.

The SMS

2004-10-14T17:36:00.000+08:00

One of the better inventions of the century has to be the Short Message Service or the SMS. The low battery life of the mobile phone is a bad invention. I have this feeling that they have already found the answer to perpetual life battery but just would not disclose it, because they are afraid to put those people selling battery chargers out of business. Millions will lose their jobs if we stop using battery chargers.

I love the SMS. It is the most convenient way of communicating with another person without talking. No one else on the planet can do that ... except those who are in the extra-sensory power trade or the deaf and dumb. Sometimes I find it easier to SMS than to talk. It's like writing a mini letter to someone. You don't want to immediately hear how the other person respond, so it's easier to compose your thoughts, take your time, write and then wait for the reply. So if you are slow thinker type, the SMS is one way of curing stupidity. And you can prevent all the awkward pauses associated with talking live to another person. You run out of things to say, the other person is waiting but has also lost the momentum momentarily. This is the awkward pause. You feel the pressure building in your head, you got to say something, but you donno what to say! And then you start to say something totally unrelated and trivial like "So .... what you eating for tommorrow's breakfast?" The SMS gets rid of all awkward pauses.

You know there is a world record holder for the fastest SMSer in Singapore? I am not too sure why she does that but I tend to believe she is in a hurry. You have to be rushing for time in order to do things fast right? Otherwise what will be the point of typing that fast? If you want it that fast, just pick up the phone and call! I have to admit I cannot do it that fast, firstly age has something to do with it, secondly the buttons are so tiny and my fingers are too big.

But I know some students who are able to do it blind folded and with the phones in their little pocket. Sometimes they do it so fast that from the sound of it, they look like they are being electrocuted by the phone. But these are the same students who will complain there's always not enough time to finish exam papers!?? Maybe we should give them little key pads for typing the answers instead. I think they should include this skill in the syllabus for the driving tests as well. That way drivers can SMS without being a road hazard. Amazing set of skills and too bad you cannot make a living out of typing SMS messages.

Then there are some who after mastering the foundation of typing, choose to vary the text style to achieve a different kind of aesthetic quality in the arena of SMS. It's like life is not complicated enough. So you will find tHeSe kINd oF mESsaGes oN yOUr pHoNEs WHicH I tHInk DRiVe tHosE pEoPlE rEaDiNg nUts!!! This simple one sentence took me 5 minutes but those SMS commandoes do it everyday faster than my normal messages! I think these people should be doing something really worthwhile with this special skill, like maybe total up the atm machine total withdrawals manually for the day or work as a cashier in old supermarkets where they can type in the 20 digit product code instead of the prices. If they can work with tiny keys at lighting speed, a calculator should be child's play.

Sometimes I have problems ending conversations with the SMS. Like you are happily chatting with the other person but you have to go. If you stop replying, then you wonder whether the other person would think you are rude. Sometimes when I stop replying I feel guilty. Would I keep the other person in suspense? Is he expecting a reply? If I say 'I got to go', would he/she think I think he/she is boring or irritating and cannot wait to end the conversation? Sometimes I experience this feeling of rejection when I get the 'I got to go' thing. To solve this problem, I have come up with a few mutually agreed and understood codes with my friends to lessen the pain. For instance if I say in my SMS to a friend, " Is your father gay?", then it means I really have to attend to something else, its not that I don't want to talk to you but I really have to go. Whether the person replies 'Yes' or 'No' is immaterial, the SMS flow is ended cordially. So maybe you want try something like 'Is the cow coming home for dinner? Or 'My dog just pee on your door'. And they would all mean politely 'I have to go'.

The Rain

2004-10-05T08:08:00.000+08:00

I was walking past a swimming complex yesterday when I saw a family of three kids with the dad walking on the pavement, towards the bus stop I think. They looked like they just had a swim 'cos all four sported semi-wet hair and two of the kids have doughnut swimming floats around them. I can usually tell whether you have swam in the public pool or not by looking at your chlorine infected eyes. I think these swimming pools' authorities or whatever pool inspectors need to put their faces into the water everyday to understand how much of that potential eyeball bleaching agent they are putting into the pool. I can understand the amount of pee they need to disguise in the pool, but sometimes I feel there are just too much chorine for comfort.

Anyway, as they were walking , it started to drizzle. Here's the interesting part. Almost instinctively and out of fatherly love, this man pull out a handkechief and put it over the youngest boy's head. Then for another, he took out a tissue and again spread it over the head, and for the third, he spread out his palm and like a jellyfish, covered the child's head. With the artificial helmets and a hand on top, they dashed towards the bus-stop like their heads just caught fire.

I am not too sure how much of the rain they have avoided but didn't they just came out of the swimming pool a while ago??? A pool by definition is full of water, where one can swim and float or float and not know how to swim or just do underwater stunts with one breath etc. You can dive, jump, somersault into the water and break your bones, nobody cares. But when you are in the pool, you are wet! And fully wet from hair to toe nail by H2O. The rain cannot be that different from the pool water right? ok, maybe one has more pee. If that's the case, the rain has to be better than the pool water. Then why do we spend so much effort to avoid the rain? I know there are many cultures who worship the rain and would dance for the rain. And if the rain is harmful for us, those swimming lifeguards, with nothing to do all day but suntan and look at chicks behind sunglasses, should pull out the giant canvas sheets and start covering the pool when it rains.

The reason why the umbrella was invented is so that most of our body are dry when it is suppose to. So you will never find people using the umbrella in the desert because there is usually no rain there. It is usually made of Nylon and not tissue paper, and if I am not wrong, it is bigger than the human palm when it is opened. It is also waterproof (has to be right?) and most of them are lightweight. So for those people who have a tendency to do like what that man did, I need to tell you it's totally pointless. Handkerchiefs are made of cloth and like tissue papers, they absorb moisture fast. As for the palm, your hands are still connected to the body when it rains, which means even if you managed to catch the rain away from your head, your hands would still be wet. I think you are better off holding a stopwatch and timing your dash to the bus stop. That way at least you accomplished something at the end of it.

The Middle Finger

2004-09-29T01:30:00.000+08:00

I was on the road the day before (along Eunos Ave) when I witness the most spectacular moments in the history of Singapore driving. This lorry had accidentally cut into a motorcyclist way and almost causing the poor chap to lose his balance. He wobbled and twisted his bike's handle a few times before regaining composure. I think he was not only shocked, but the lorry had jolted his adrenalin to the max. This biker then sped to the lorry's side, turned and stared at the driver, and mind you, all this happening while on the move! He was not looking at the front and I was worried for the traffic light post right ahead.

So fortunately, the traffic light turn red and everyone came to a halt. But the staring continued and I was trying to see with my lip reading skills what they were swearing at each other. Nothing much except the usual mother father you die go to hell genitals stuff. Traffic lights turn green and this motorcyclist then went ahead and tries to block the lorry's way. He then slow down to a mere 30km/h and held everyone up in the middle lane. Not only that, cars on the first and third lane also slowed down to the same pace to watch the two stunt drivers outdo each other!

Then suddenly, with one hand on the bike, the motorcyclist gathered all his might in the other and thrust into the air with the most powerful probe of the human body..... the middle finger! Like a bullet fired your way, the first immediate reaction is to shield it. The lorry driver instinctively neutralised the middle finger by turning his windscreen wipers on. The score is now 1-1. Now everyone waits for the motorcyclist's next move. Motorcyclist checks for support from the right wing, there's none. He will have to do this by himself. Will the lorry tackle him from behind, he's not sure. There's nail biting tension in the air. And I am in my car munching my pop corn anxiously. But I could sense the motorcyclist’s thirst for revenge. Then I see his fingers moving again. And with all the strength and force he mustered, gave another absolutely all-power pack jab into the air with his middle finger again! Goal !!! This time the lorry driver couldn't save it in time. Then he declared himself the winner and sped off on a high note.

That’s how idiotic Singapore drivers and motorcyclists can get. Cheap thrill? Yes. That’s why there's no law in the world like the one we have that sentences you to jail for road bullying. Accidents do happen because of negligence. I am sure the lorry driver was not aware of the motorcyclist in the blind spot. But to take on someone 10 times your size is not very wise, especially when his tiny bike looks like a twisted piece of scrap. It’s like a monkey trying to tickle an elephant’s toe, the elephant lies down and you will get instant monkey patty. The lorry driver just need to step on his accelerator and you will have another piece of mangled metal on the road.

I was also a little worried for the motorcyclist repeating his almighty middle finger. He not only resembles John Travolta and the Saturday Night Fever pose, but he is also a lightning conductor on the road with that pointed finger. A few more jabs in the air and he can be roasted with a zap from the sky. And what does the motorcyclist hope to accomplish by shoving his middle finger in the air? To scare off the driver, agitate him or to make him feel guilty for cutting his lane? Would the motorcyclist be thinking: “well, guess I made my point, the rest is up to him!!??” And I am sure the lorry driver would come down and apologise : “You know, I am glad you showed me the middle finger, otherwise I have no idea how you felt!”

The Hello

2004-09-23T14:24:00.000+08:00

The Hello is suppose to be a greeting right? Wrong. Yesterday at the hawker centre, there was this guy whose way was blocked by a lady, and he gave a low "harlo .....”. Very interesting way of shooing your way through a crowd. Surprisingly the lady actually understood and gave way. I didn't think the guy was rude, after all this is Singapore. I was wondering what happened to the traditional “skew me??” (Short form for excuse me) .... I love the ''skew me". "Skew me, you have barbeque chicken wings today or not?" Some are even too lazy to skew me, it's just skew, which is also effective for clearing people off your way.

There are many ways of saying hello. Some people pronounce it as harlow!, some haloo, some hell-low, and some just low? But we all know we don't care. The hello on the phone is just a form of silent breaker. You pick up the phone and you automatically say hello, it’s like giving the other caller permission to talk. It''s like the traffic light turning green on the phone, and then you say whatever you have to say. So actually you can use "Go" instead of the hello. But imagine the awkwardness if someone answers your call and not give you the hello. For that split second, I bet you would feel like you either called the wrong person or there's another pervert on the other line. Want to scare somebody you hate? Just answer the call, don't give him the hello, and then breathe heavily. Ten out of ten times, the other person will hang up. Its fun, try it! Then after this experiment, you will not take the hello for granted.

Or you try the hello mirror effect. You say hello, the other caller says hello, and then like a mirror facing each other, you keep reflecting the hello back and forth. This is really useful when your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife tries to call you, and you are doing something illegal. You just keep mirroring like you cannot hear them. You want to stall them and make time! Then while helloing, you walk to somewhere safe and away from the scene of crime and then say you can hear them better now.

The hello is said in almost 800 ways around the world. In Russia hello is Zdravstvuite, in Austria it's Hoi , in Korea it's Annyong and in Panama its Na. But my personal favourate is the Vietnamese's. They call it Chào. And they have different hellos for different sexes. To a man, you greet with Chao Ong. To a woman you say Chao Ba. To a young woman you say Chao Co. To a man you know, you say Chao Anh, and to a lady you know, you say Chao Chi. So if I am in Vietnam, they have greet me with Chao Ong Ong ('cos Ong is my surname). But that will mean every Vietnamese is cursing me all the time when I pick up the phone. Chao is a swear word here you see.... And if you are a lady and your surname is Bai, you better not go there. It's going to be CCB to you all the time.

The Pirated CD

2004-09-20T19:23:00.000+08:00

I don't know whether anyone noticed this. You buy a pirated software CD, they give it to you in a black plastic bag. It appears to me these people have franchises all over the island and Johore Bahru because every pirated cd shop seem to be using the same no company name no brand plastic bags, and they just prefer to use the black ones. And it's the same size, big enough for that CD only. Are they afraid of people seeing what's inside? Or is it industry practice to sell them in those black plastic bags? This is not drugs you know. The shop is big enough for the police to see whatever product line you are carrying. I think they need to exercise the utmost discretion here.

I would actually like to suggest to the boss (some customer feedback to the pirates) to use any other color besides black. It should be the same cost anyway; you still need to dye the plastic right? Maybe red or blue or white but not black. Cos when you are carrying the little black plastic bags, people know what’s inside. It's embarrassing! Nobody would think its grocery inside because it’s too small. I have to squeeze that 5 inch CDs into my tight jeans pocket each time I buy them and its get a little uncomfortable when I sit down. Make those plastic bags a little more colorful and cuter! Or better still, give it a name! Like maybe Armani or Rolex. After all the pirates are already selling fake stuff, what is another fake plastic bag right? Make the customer happy; make them feel good about their purchase. Change that bag!

Actually, on a serious note, I do appreciate what these pirates are doing. If not for their ingenuity, enterprising and risk taking attitude, I would not have accomplished so much, especially in the world of typing and digital photography. If you look at the original software, they really cost a bomb! And how many can actually afford them? Those software billionaires refuse to lower the prices for the benefit of the average citizen. So we need these Robin Hoods to help us make our computer ends meet. To me, the pirated softwares are like trial versions of the original. I test them completely, and then when I am satisfied I buy the original. Fair right? Because what happens when you forked out a few hundreds and realise that's not what you wanted? Or maybe that software didn't live up to your expectations? Or you like to try out the different softwares of the same category? With a $10 copy, you can just throw it in the basket if you are not happy with it. Clever right?

The other day I was at the shop and this guy asked the shop assistant if he knows how to install the plug-ins for the Photoshop CS. The Malay shop assistant, with tattoos all over his arms and a Marlboro cigarette box squeezed up his t-shirt sleeves, gave him a far away look and said : "Friend, if you want to buy you buy. If you don't how to use, don't buy!" I tell you, the look on this specky guy's face tells me he almost shit in his pants. But I don't sympathise with him. I mean, you have to be reasonable; these shop assistants have to handle one thousand and one titles in the shop. And between the three guys in the shop, I think they would have less than three O-levels passes combined! Its good enough they don't tell you "If its there its there", let alone teach you how to install right? For $10 a copy, don't expect technical services or help desk of any kind.

You Stink Pretty

2004-09-18T13:39:00.000+08:00

Yesterday in the midst of a jovial conversation, a friend jokingly referred me as 臭美. I know since birth my skin is as thick as the rhino, but this new Chinese phrase seem rather interesting to me. 'Cos my standard of Chinese vocabulary is at level zero, and I would actually see those two words as really just two different words put together. When I looked up the Chinese dictionary, I have to find meanings to the other words describing these two words! But very vaguely, I think it means you stink pretty.

Now how does one stink pretty? Its like having two similar poles of a magnet put together, they just won't gel. If you stink, you stink! You cannot be pretty and stink, can you? Scientifically, its almost impossible. I never heard of Julia Roberts having bad body odour.The only humanly possible scenario where you can stink and still be pretty is in Bollywood, India. If one of those gorgeous voluptuous Indian actress gets on a crowded non-airconditioned bus and she has that coconut oil as hair mousse, that I can assure, you will fully appreciate the meaning of 臭美!

So I was browsing the dictionary and then I chanced upon another phrase ..... 坏死. You are bad and you are dead! And you always hear this when a girl says it playfully to a guy. But to me that's a curse. You are bad, and you might as well be dead! Or better still, you are bad and you better reincarnate as an egg after you are dead. So they invented this phrase 坏蛋. Its hard to imagine why we want them to return as an egg.

But the egg is also used in other curses. Like 臭鸡蛋. You stinking chicken egg! I have no idea why the chicken is being used here and not other animals in the farm. In these times of extreme shortage and skyrocketing egg prices, I think its better we show some respect to the poultry industry. But if you can't be bothered and you want to add more power to this curse, you can bring in his mother, and thus the phrase 他妈的臭鸡蛋!

The Silent Talker

2004-09-15T20:58:00.000+08:00

As long as we are on the subject of talking, I might as well continue with this new phenomenon that I recently discover in the centre.

We are all quite familiar with our legendary fast talker, yes the one with four Pentiums in the head ..... or is it three? Anyway, I recently found one parent who is quite the opposite. This one is not just slow, he is low. Slow and low, how torturing can that be? I can assure you if you listen to this man talk, you can either fall asleep standing or your eardrums will suffer from bloodclots. You have to strain yourself so hard you can almost pee in your pants! I can hardly hear a word he says and he just sitting 2 metres away from me. Its a good thing my primary school extra- curriculum activity was lip reading, otherwise half the time you only see his mouth moving without anything audible.

I have been wondering why some people talk fast and some talk slow. Why some are loud and some are soft? Is one better than the other? Does the fast talker think faster and thats why talk fast? Technically speaking, yes. In order to talk fast, you have to think fast. But it can also mean you talk without thinking and everything comes out without filtering. So when you talk fast without thinking, you can double up faster in your speech because you skip one process in the brain, and so the brain can have more power in the speech department. Its like diarrhea, you don't have time to think, everything comes out all at once without filtering. And by the time you react, its all over the seat cover.

But you will never want to get into an argument with the fast talker, and even if you have to, bring a tape recorder to tape, rewind and replay. Cos the fast talker will talk so fast that you won't know what hit you! Its like having a zip file sent to you all the time. Every sentence feels like mulitple words stacked on top of one another, so compressed and so fast. And before you know it, she can scold your mother, father, cousins, 3rd uncle, 5th aunty and grandmother's neighbour in one sentence!

With the slow talker, he is taking his time to think before he gets ready to open his mouth. But it can also mean he is at Pentium Minus One, the speed at which he processes his speech is not as fast. For these group of people, they only suffer when they have to argue or work as a telephone operator. But on the other hand they would thrive as a hynotist. And they suppose to make more sense 'cos they take their time to process and execute their perfect sentence. The low talker on the other hand has a major problem, I think. People who talk soft and low are generally lacking in confidence. They can only have one audience, which is themselves.

This particular low talking parent is a really nice dude. He would sit for hours just to wait for his daughter finish her classes. And he has this little curvy moustache which camouflages his mouth. But I cannot stand it when he tries to strike up a conversation. Its really a pain in the *@# to try and catch every word he says, because as soon as the sentence leaves his mouth, they get sucked back in. It's like having a Blackhole at the back of his throat. Most of time I get entertained by his dancing moustache instead.

There's another category of talkers which I think most are familiar with, and we are so used to them here that we forget such people actually sound funny elsewhere in the world. I call them the Echo Talker. I can almost guarantee that if you think hard, at least one of your friends, relatives or colleagues talks this way. This is how they sound :

" Can you hand this book to my son? "

" Ya sure."

" ok thankyou, thankyou, thankyou " (usually spoken at triple fast mode)

OR

" Are you sure you did this? "

" Yes, really really really" (also spoken at triple fast mode)

Can you imagine a Chinese businessman shaking his customer's hands and really thanking him profusely? Got it? This is echo effect. And three thankyou(s) is better than one. Three Really(s) are more convincing than one. The above phenomenon is the result of people trying to think and translate in both Chinese and English. Till this day I am still trying to find an American giving me the echo effect. Of course you won't find any.

Don't Talk Cork

2004-09-01T00:02:00.000+08:00

People who like to hang around my office would probably realise my pc has this screensaver that says Don't Talk Cork. Yes, many people have tried to tell me that I have spelt it wrongly. But I am trying to make it easier for the younger ones to read, especially the Primary Ones. But then again, there are parents who say I teach the kids the wrong thing .... especially spelling!!? Actually till now I still cannot understand what talking cock means.

The cock as we all know has two meanings, one refers to the male hen, and the other refers to ............... a leader. And why cock? Why not talk hen or talk chick? Is the 'cock' all so much more supreme than the other animals? If you compare the tiger and the cock, there's no way the cocks would rule the animal kingdom. Of course there's the fighting cocks in Thailands, which you may describe as awesome warriors. But other than that, they can be just as fried as any other KFC chicken on the dinner table. They cannot run straight, they cannot swim either, and they always look crossed eyed (which is probably why they cannot run straight).

In our truly unique structure of Singlish, the phrase 'talking cock' means talking nonsense or perhaps uttering rubbish, which is what I am doing now. And you have to be careful not to use this phrase in a foreign land, especially the USA. If you are a male and you say 'talking cock' there, the ang mos would want you to strip and show them your mysterious gift between the groins. 'Cos in the US, anything that's able to talk interest them. And if you say it in Thailand, they would want the talking cock to be the judge in the deadly ring of cock fighters, you know, in case the fighters need mediation and a out of court settlement.

But I think in some ways or other, we all have to learn to talk cock a little. Talk a little cock, plus a little exaggeration here and there, peppered with a little bullshit makes one's conversation interesting. My ang mo friends would never suffer from conversation constipation, 'cos they can talk nonstop about anything under the sun, from as trivial as colour pencils to even more trivial issues like colour pencil sharperners! There will be no awkward pauses and the conversation would go on effortlessly, or maybe just pause for a toilet break. But it can be tiring. All listen and no talk gets me hypnotised.

Like any other languages, its not what you say, its how you say it. If you say 'DONT TALK COCK LA!!!' , most would know you are irritated. Or if you say 'just talking cock la ... : ) ' , then there's a certain playful intonation to it and we know you are cool. To me, the facination and artistry of Singlish is such that you can combine words that only we, the little Red dottees of Singapore can understand. My personal favourates are 'Anyhow Talk Cock' and 'Alsocan Talk Cock'.

So how? I keep talking cock non-stop .... better stop now.

The Extra Strength

2004-08-26T23:48:00.000+08:00

(I am dedicating this blog to the Chairwoman and members of AFT )

I write the Song that make the whole world Singh (song by Barry Jaswan Manilow ) ...

Anyway, yesterday a pretty friend of mine came and ask me for two Panadols for her headache. Headache which I think caused by stress, cos her neck look so stretched and tight until the blood cannot flow upwards to her brain. Sometimes this can be quite scary when you think about it .. the whole head is just balancing on the upper body and yet it controls almost all your bodily functions. Thats why I cannot understand the concept of slimming. When you slim down, you are effectively reducing the centre of balance for the head 'cos the total area is now smaller. If you notice the very slim, their head always look too big for their body and out of place most of the time.

So my little friend says she only takes Extra Strength painkillers. And what is Extra? Its Strength but added with Extra. But I told her I only have Strength, no extra. So I gave her two Strength, which I figured is equivalent to her one Extra, which is her usual dosage. See how difficult it is to get anything from me?

Next comes the tricky part. She says her Panadol is Quick Acting. But on the other hand, mine is normal acting. So I presume for quick acting, you get relief faster. But for my normal strength, you have to take a number and wait while the joker takes his time to deliver the relief package to the needy spots. Now why is it that pharmaceutical companies have to make our lives more challenging? Why not just put the chemical responsible for quick acting into the normal acting pills? They don't do that, they like to make people choose between getting comfort now or later. Of course in the process they charge you a premium for the difference in speed of reaction.

The marketing department of these drug companies make a good living out of all these perceived differences because they know we cannot really tell them apart. Which person suffering from headache can tell you he actually timed the quick acting and normal acting painkillers? And how much stronger are the Extras? But some consumers are not satisfied with Extra Strength, they want Mega Strength. No more weak pills from now on! So now there is the Maximum Strength ones versus the minimum strength type, the Triple Action vs the single action, the Total Advance Formula vs backward formula, Extended relief vs delayed, Original vs copied, unflavoured vs artificial flavouring. The good news is that everyone is getting more. And the bad news is that nobody gives a damn.

So the next time anyone ask me for a pill, I want them to test and see those differences as claimed by the manufacturers. If they don't live it up, I would form a consumer group and sue them for mega adult formula $$$.

Trust

2004-07-29T01:20:00.000+08:00

I hear from my friends in the Commandos that when you jump off the plane in the sky, not only you don't have time to pee, you don't have time to think of anything but just enjoy the view and trust in your parachute. If you don't have the trust, you may panic and fumble, and the parachute may never be released on time properly.

Its very strange when you think about trust. It's just a feel in your heart. It's not even in your head because it cannot be in your head. When it is in your head, it tends to become logic. And when it becomes logic, you start to think with your head again and then things start to become complicated and imbalance because you are thinking of right or wrong, good or bad, left or right. So in the example of a parachuter, he cannot trust with his head because the head is thinking why the hell are you jumping from 50000km above sky. But when he has trust in his heart, he will let go and enjoy the fall, knowing that things would be alright. It is this sense of knowing that is extremely difficult to accomplish. But once done, it feels brighter than enlightment and more serene than your own peace.

So today I let Jia Hui drive my car on her way home. I don't know what came over my head (besides the combination of beer, the sambal sotong, the grilled stingray and delicious mussels), halfway home I decided to let a 19 year old who has barely passed her driving test 3 months ago take over the wheels. And boy she's good ! For once in my entire driving life of 13 years, I was able to take the backseat of my own car and be driven. I call this my virgin backseat ride. I think I could trust Jia Hui to handle the car well. No instructions given and no questions. I had that special sense of trust in my heart like any bungee jumper would. For a brief 5 seconds, I sat back, relaxed, closed my eyes and enjoyed the motion on the outside and the stillness on the inside of the car. I was on the move yet keeping still. Thats the beauty of being driven and that's the essense of trust.

Lexus anyone?